Cracked Nostalgia in the Dream

Date: 3/1/2017

By Fitful

I was in my childhood town, visiting my mother and uncle Ben. This town was small and the dream centered on a grocery store there. It was kinda like a cross between a grocery store, a general store, and a private tasteful Walmart. Almost the entire dream took place in this store, and I don't think this store exists at all in real life. I was visiting and I kept following someone to the store. My mother or my uncle. They were picking up something. I was tempted several times to buy something, specifically something which reminded me of childhood, nostalgic like. Something I hadn't remembered until right then was a part of my childhood which I had wanted. Once it was a set of work out yoga bars and towels and paint and chalk. It was all pretty black glittery but made of like bike handlebar material so you know it won't wear out. In the dream it did go together, it was in one nice package and for some reason I remembered wanting one as a a kid. I had never got one, not even the less elaborate set which was just markers and chalk. I almost bought it, but at the last minute I remembered I had only a certain amount of money and if I bought this I might buy something else and then it would be half gone. So painfully I walked away from it. Once I wanted doll heads hanging on the wall, like in a hardware store on those walls with the little holes? They looked like little Alice heads. I saw a lot of things in the store I wanted but didn't get anything. I just followed whoever I was with around. Sometimes it was my mom, sometimes it was my uncle. It was very reminiscent of my childhood actually. I was quiet and just followed them around on their errands uncomplaining. My personality was interesting. It was kinda wide eyed and open, like my head was open to the world around me, in this permeable state. It was different than how I am in real life, the comparison is startling; usually I am very closed and turned inward due to lots of rejection and shyness and not a hint of disgust with people. The me in the dream contrasted where I saw people, and into saw into people and everything as people. The world wasn't just being viewed by me, it was half inside my head, like everything I saw sat in the upper half of my head, like a shelf and spilled either out into reality or reality spilled into my head. This personality made me open to everything even the criticism which came. Apparently everytime we went out I did something wrong. I approached it wrong or completed it wrong. Uncle Ben was frustrated several times with me. Especially once when I rescued a dog made of vomit, it's outside layer was vomited meat but I didn't care I took care of it anyway. My mom seemed frustrated as well. But she was more accepting if it, in a reject the annoyance type way. Or just rejected me, or a part of me. She just literally turned off a part of herself which didn't like my actions, her disappointment, and that part disappeared making her seem like a non person. I didn't seem to feel much of anything except eagerness to take the dog home to NYC. After all it wasn't a big deal. It was only a few days. In fact I didn't really know why I was here. On a trip mom offered in the check out line to get me something, asked me if I wanted anything, I put a couple food items on the conveyor belt. I suddenly realized I was hungry. I felt really guilt and shame the moment I did. I felt relief I had food which I enjoyed and didn't have to spend my own money but guilt at that relief. I began hating myself for not buying it myself, for not spending my own money. For giving my power away. It was the only time in the dream my emotions toward myself and anything else changed. I felt nearly the same the entire time, open, wide eyed, accepting, permeable. And then when I allowed her to buy me food, when she offered and I took, the moment I took I felt horrid. Like I was evil and wrong and oblivious to her pain.