Healing. Resistant but Inevitable.

Date: 3/7/2021

I was planting watermelon, had just finished and there were 3 dozen plants growing. But it was too hot, the young plants were dying in the sun. I worked hard, despite my grandpa saying it was too late. They had never been watered so i grabbed the spray nozzle. I was devoted to saving a few. The water out the spray nozzle was green water. It seemed normal, but I knew it wasn't quite right. ~ There were gangs and gangster locals in country suburbia. The one i was chatting to while I was on vacation back home, a large country woman with twin boys, was wearing gingham dress to denote power, her boys wore wear matching shirts. Others don't dress same but denote power similarly in dress. Her way really did work, people responded to the dress favorably. I didn't like the whole thing, gangsters bothered me morally, I felt it in my body as discomfort all the way through. I did realize though my way of dressing down has led to me being seen as weak. ~ I was living or staying with my grandparents. I cleaned out out bunch of pots and pans, their place was full of spots of junk and I needed these to go, it was time. They needed it too. There were so many pots and pans, hundreds, all twisted and old and towering. Grandpa doesn't want to get rid of them so I stack them in the hallway. Grandpa moves them, he's mad I cleaned up, would have preferred they stay where they were. grandma stacks them more neatly and better in the hallway, and I - with a sinking feeling - know they are there to stay. They won't leave the hall and they won't throw them out. And they won't let me. I moved them there as a precursor to tossing them in the garbage. They need to go out. I realise I don't want to live with my grandparents. With grandma, no. With grandpa, no. I want to live with someone... But I don't know who. Its actually not them. ~ We go to a meeting with others. They are all watching a video presentation this time in a garage. They are wrong, belong in something that is conspiracy and silly and they take it way too seriously. I don't believe as they do but I'm letting them "convert me" But I still don't buy it. We get there late. Came from the gangsta mob meeting in the gingham dresses, the female boss - who may or may not have been my grandmother, prolly not as she felt meaner and looked different but she had the same energy- and we were still speaking sign language as she had been telling me how she went on vacation and spoke to her dog using sign language the whole time and the fog understood perfectly cause shed been training him, teaching him ASL. He even knew what every word in a sentence meant. As we sat down my phone notification said "I'm surrounded by idiots" as it does. ~ Digging through pinback buttons looking for one that says the perfect thing to express myself. I couldn't find a single one that worked. ~ There were three to 9 ghost skull faced people in robes that went transparent were peering at the womb of me. They surrounded me in a crescent moon, like I was the focus or my womb was. I was transparent too, all I could see of me was the womb. It was aglow. They were only visible because they were lit by this glow. They were very excited. "What's that?!" They said, one of them said. Some were animal skulls, but they were all the size of people. It felt very warm, well not warm, aglow. Not cold or warm but aglow. "What is it?" I asked. "A crystal." They said. "A crystal sword?" I tried to touch it, take it out, but it was wrong to. It wasn't a crystal sword, like I first thought, just a crystal I put it back and we basked in it's new presence. I kept trying to figure out what it was. They said "It's something knew." "A new prism/piece?" " A new part of us." I knew us meant me. We were we a collective. The new piece was a birth of a newborn being, a newborn part of us. One who was young and would help us heal. I had been having back pain as I slept, my ankle went numb with sciatica all the way down, but it was gone now. I'd fallen back asleep, when it was there it almost woke me up, but couldn't. I wondered if that was this birth happening. We were all staring at the light, the crystal. It felt like awe and birth