Chasing you

Date: 1/23/2019

I’m just running back and forth in this crazy neighborhood, causing so much chaos. I’m sorry I can’t give you all the details but I just know that at one time we were all cats and I would chase you down just to find you with Anna trying to jump up on her roof and me being mad at first but eventually helping her up. I remember that you tried to run away because I had told all of your friends that they had to go home because she was supposed to tell me when she was going to have friends over like at least a couple of hours before. At first her friend Erin was shocked, mad at me almost. I quickly tried to explain that it’s something any roommate would do not just boyfriend girlfriend, I noticed I was stammering a bit. Erin seemed to understand but Amy was already gone. Later I found myself and Amy together again calm like nothing had happened. We were walking towards Anna’s house who had to grab something from inside. As we came in I noticed Anna’s friends were sitting around quietly like they were waiting for something or like we interrupted but not in an impolite way like they expected it. Well Anna and Amy were talking then we all heard sounds at the door, Anna’s like “Oh shit it’s my mom” I’m like “What’s wrong we aren’t doing anything” this stuck up Indian woman comes in and takes what little warmth the place had left out of there. She started nagging and nitpicking Anna, I tried to intervene and she started yelling and after she was done I just looked at her and was like “You know I bet you don’t even cook good, like your food probably tastes like shit.” That gave her a shock and she shut right up I mean not literally her mouth was slightly open and still staring but clearly she wasn’t going to say anything back. Amy was begging for me to stop but when I said that she basically folded her hands in her lap and just distanced herself from me. Anna had taken off to grab some shit in a hurry and her and Amy started for the door and I tried following as I have been all night it just turned into a chase. For some reason I needed to be resolved, I needed (still need) Amy enough to die in the process of trying to get her affection. So I chased and chased and they got enough distance to talk amongst themselves and I started to go all “fine if you want her you can have her” but Amy came running up to me and interrupted me mid sentence and said “I’m sorry but I have to go. I can’t be with you anymore.” She said it in such a frantic voice turned away as if in a run to get back to Anna but I was holding her crossed arms tugging her back towards me asking “But why? I’ve been defending you all night, why? Is it about Anna’s mom?” But she had broken free and I felt so much pain right there watching her running away knowing I couldn’t get her back, knowing she was gone, and enjoying her every footstep away from me, the grace of her hair, but knowing that I can never ever see her again. To me that’s worse than death. It’s worse than saying goodbye. It’s being dumped after I thought she would be there for me my whole life. Every time you woke up or went to bed that she would be there to rebel against you to show you how wrong you are. She would be there to clean the house when I felt like a piece of shit for not having the energy to do it yourself on your days off. Through all the moments that I tried to explain to her that it would be better if we went our separate ways because the world was too chaotic, she was there giving me every bit of grace and emotion that you needed even though I was the one who flaked on so many vacations because I thought the risk wasn’t worth it. But now she’s gone, she’s ran off with that friend I was always jealous of, the one who somehow got by besides all the abuse and chaos in her life I was always so concerned by. I just hope that my Amy, this dream Amy, I hope you find what you were looking for because after you I have nothing left, no pictures to burn, no PS4, no friends or family, and no job or house because all I wanted was just a few more seconds with you. If I hear that song “I want to see you smile, I just want you to be happier, even though I might not like it, I’ll have to go go go” —— *cuts off in mid sentance*