The Reasoning of Insanity

Date: 3/11/2017

I was a dependant, living with my grandmother and her large staff of assistants and family. When I was a teenager, I had been forced to give up a child after I got pregnant, but I barely remembered this. Instead I went through a lot of emotional turmoil. I was having a lot of mental problems, quite a lot. My grandmother had me sedated often. She despaired over every choice I made when I was awake. The stuff she deemed horrific, was demonized because of her religious fervor. I was eager to escape her clutches, but I didn't even know that was the problem, and escape was an option. There was debate often as to what medicine to sedate me with. Once when I was drugged and the world was soft and fuzzy my girlfriend came to check on me. Grandmother informed her it would be a while before I was okay. I was playing with a flying air plane. It was a plastic little red toy, but I could use my toes to make it fly and the world it flew in became real. I put a female I trusted, an assistant of my grandmother's in it to explain about the different things which could happen. When she was in I took her to this magical island, which existed below and above the water, and it only existed when I imagine it did with my airplane. I flew her about so fast she could have fallen out in the sky, there were more seat belts in the little plane, but I pointed out a little hide hole above the wheel inside the back seat and she could crouch there if she feared falling out of plane when it was flying. I plunged her into the waters, and there seemed no difference to being under water as being in air. There was a kitchen underwater, I showed her all the interesting things. Then we went above to the island, it was sunny and delightful weather. I explained I had to turn off the awareness I had of the sun, the consciousness which knew it burned me, then I could lay about in it until it killed me. This apparently was a suicide mission. She agreed to help, tentatively, and I went to lie down on the sand and sun bake. Instead of rubbing lotion on me however she decided to rape me in a rough finger fucking way. I was a little taken a back and horrified until I heard her reasoning. She mentioned she had been friends with my daughter, Paige, and she had come here to explain she just lost her child, he had been taken away like my daughter had. She came for my help. I got caught up in mention of my daughter and didn't hear much beyond that. All of a sudden I remembered her and was obsessed with seeing her. Awake and a few days later I saw a group of cool kids in a contest. The contest did various things, like trick bike riding, and other similar athletic and daring feats. I was drawn to the Gothic dress up contest. I decide to join them, even tho I didn't think I could trick ride bikes. But when it got to the Gothic Dress Up Contest they didn't do it. They got to that part of the race and just took the negative points assuming their skills would make them up, they just didn't do the contest. Which was simple, they were to dress up in a Gothic character with the clothes provided, and then act in an original character created from that look and answer questions. The winner won this cool t shirt. I was upset the group was so lazy they just didn't do this one but they encouraged me to do it myself. They even said since they didn't do it, it would me my win. I won and took home the t shirt. My grandmother had a hysterical conniption. She thought the t shirt demonic. The symbols were all mostly benign but she saw them all as wrong or of the devil. She objected to the woods imagery, and the tree imagery, and the woman coming with her legs spread. I might understand that one tho. It was also tan in color I don't know why it was the prize for a Gothic dress up contest. This sent her into a spiral of despair. She often freaked out and had to be restrained herself, and drugged, and kept drugged strapped to a flat board on a gurney for days. Everytime this happened her assistants took care of her. After the t shirt incident her assistants went to let her go, she freaked out and got violent. They had or sedate her again. Her assistant mouthed to me she would have to be out for two days this time. I was standing in the middle of the room deciding to devote all my time to my grandmother, thinking that would fix her. If I did nothing else. Then I had an epiphany. Me trying to help my grandmother was me trying to help myself. I was literally operating under the paradigm if I helped her with her mental shit it would cure me mine. I started crying and ran into my bedroom to grab my tablet to write the epiphany down. I chose a pale blue electronic stationary, and a pale blue electronic feather pen. I wrote down "I try and help my grandmother in order to help myself." This felt like a revelation.