I got sent to gay conversion therapy

Date: 11/5/2019

So basically, I’m closeted from my family irl. So, this dream, I guess, was sort of a nightmare. The dream started with me driving with my mom down this modern city. It was filled with unique, colorful, and yet compact buildings. My mom wasn’t really talking to me, all she’d told me was that she was sending me to a Christian camp to help me with some things. Naturally, I assumed she had figured out (somehow) that I was a lesbian, but I didn’t say anything just in case it was something else. When we arrived I was surprised. It was a tall but otherwise average sized building, with green tinted steel siding and windows, and a nice yard. There was wide, closely-cut grass field out front, scattered with one or two giant oak trees and some benches, and a brilliant sun shining down to complete the scene. There were kids walking about in school-looking uniforms, mostly girls but guys too, and there were some benches and tables outside of the building underneath of a shaded porch area where some kids were sitting. There was a soft chatter of kids talking. I went to the far side of the property and waited with some other kids who were sitting silently in the ‘check-in waiting line.’ We all looked mildly traumatized. Finally my mom came back with a woman who seemed to be mid-40s but who had her completely gray hair in a neat bun. She extended her hand and said, “nice to meet you, Ella. I’ve heard from your mom that you’re here for suicidal thoughts and depression, right?” I nodded my head yes and was filled with relief. I do have depression in real life too, so in the dream I could safely assume that my mom had just taken me for the depression and not my gayness. Which meant that she most likely didn’t know. My mom left without so much as a goodbye, and the lady led me to a room inside of the building, a little dorm. I put my suitcase on the bed and she lectured me for a bit, about how suicide was selfish and would send me to hell because I was killing one of God’s creatures, etc etc. I nodded along and played the Good Girl card where I pretended I actually cared and had no idea! and that I was so so sorry, ma’am! and the woman seemed really pleased with me. After some praise and assurance that ‘I seemed the type to get through her camp easily,’ she left. I went down to the cafeteria after that and got a lunch from the line. They were in neat little brown bags already, super cute for such a terrible camp. I went and sat at an empty table, nervous and wondering about what to do next. Then some girls and one guy came over and sat with me. One said hi and introduced me to the rest. I was thankful that someone sat with me, and gave them my name. One of the girls, who seemed maybe a year or two older than me, kind of eyed me up. She had shoulder length curly black hair, a kind, rosy-cheeked face, and a curvy body. She said something along the lines of, “so let me guess- you’re gay.” I laughed, glanced around, and made sure the teacher lady wasn’t nearby. Then I replied, “yeah, but that’s not why I’m here. My mom doesn’t know yet thankfully. I’m here for uh, ‘the wish to harm one of God’s creatures.’” I pointed at myself so they didn’t think I was like homicidal or anything. They laughed and the one girl said ‘what a mood’ and we talked. I became quick friends with the three girls and the guy, who were all gay and kind of like this friend group, and they invited me over to their dorm that night. I accepted and when I got there, it was the exact same group from lunch sitting playing spin the bottle. I got excited because hey, it was my first game of spin the bottle and maybe this wouldn’t be so bad. Also the one girl was really cute and we were kind of exchanging glances. About halfway into the game we kissed for one of the dares, and I was so happy because I didn’t have to hide who I was anymore and also this girl was actually into me. But then, at like that exact moment, the teacher lady came in and saw us playing. She went on a whole rant about how she ‘had expected better from me’ and how ‘I was already sinning from the minute I got to camp,’ and then proceeded to ask if I ‘wanted to go to hell.’ I was terrified and ashamed and really put down. In the dream the teacher lady kind of half-dragged me out of the room and into her office and called my mom. I remember I was crying but trying to hide it. I’m typically a silent crier, so the lady might not have even noticed because I was wiping my face and was completely quiet. I remember thinking that I was happy, for a second, and then reality came back and slapped me in the face. I woke up after that and I was crying in my sleep. The dream was awful because since I’m not out in real life, being sent to a gay camp or getting kicked out of my house are both huge fears of mine. My parents are pretty homophobic and I don’t doubt they’d send me to a gay conversion therapy/camp if they found out. But in a way the dream was also kind of good. The ‘friends’ I ‘made’ in the dream were awesome, and all like me, and the one girl especially made me feel really happy in the dream I remember. I really just woke up with a feeling of sadness, confusion, and loneliness.