You Must Kill the Mother Wound

Date: 12/27/2023

This was a small nightmare, and i woke up from it. I was working for what felt like a small urban farm, because I was taking over Sara's position but it wasnt really a farm, more of a forest stewardship. There was a small outbuilding, like a cabin on the edge of the river, over the river there were woods with a path through them that I understood would be where I guide youth through to look at the plants and experience nature. A couple people were showing me the dwelling and I was extremely excited about the job, but when they left it felt really lonely, I felt like it would be difficult to generate movement in the position without the help of at least one other person. There was also a feeling in the little cabin of imposter syndrome because of my lack of belief in my ability to do something alone. This showed up in the feeling but also because I knew there was something in the cabin, a shoe, that if they found it they would know that I "killed someone" and find out that I shouldn't be there, that old tale. The next part, I was in my apartment but mom lived with me, we each had a room in my beautiful space in my fun building. I was just getting home from somewhere and ROD was over (my mom's new boyfriend). Mom was doing her own thing and Rod was pacing the apartment back and forth. There was an air of mom trying to show me that he is good and I wholly disagree. I am getting ready in my bedroom quickly so that I can get out of there. As he's pacing, he stops at my bedroom and peeks in while I'm changing. I become enraged. I absolutely lose my cool, I am yelling at my mom, telling her that he is bad news, she is arguing back that she loves him. I can feel his badness. He is arguing on his own behalf and saying things to me about me that he is trying to use as leverage, I am SO LIVID MAD, I'm absolutely losing my shit. Mom is deep cleaning the kitchen and trying to avoid me, Rod is fighting me but I want to fight mom. One small side note is that there is a band playing outside my window below and they live in the building. One of the guys is super handsome and all of them look really fun, I want to go down and watch but I'm busy. Other friends show up and watch the music too. I go out into the hall and they are moving their music equipment and I ask if they are moving out, one guy said yes and it made me feel sad. I think this section of the dream is here to give me the opportunity to shift focus and move towards something pleasurable. I'm back in the apartment, arguing, fighting, yelling etc and I remember that I am supposed to be watching Elsa and Anjo!!! (dogs) and it's been days, I haven't taken them out or given them food and I am terrified about whether or not they are okay. I grab what I need for at least the next morning, stuff for breakfast, at least one more outfit. But I keep thinking of more things and I'm packing but I am absolutely distraught by the argument actively happening with my mother and fuckin Rod... I leave the house in a hurry and am trying to order an Uber, I am in a mall now and it's like I'm going to get food or something. Rod is following me, trying to convince me in the rudest ways possible that he is good for my mother. At one point a couple of pick pockets are close behind me and I turn around and give them a piece of my mind. I get to a counter and Rod is still pestering me, I am so enraged and livid and I am yelling a lot. I'm running away from him because I need to get to my truck to get to Rob and Wendys to get the dogs. I remember its been 6 days now and I'm imagining their house covered in poo and the dogs are dead. I am so overwhelmed. Jenna passes me in the mall and offers me support and she walks with me to my truck, I tell her what is going on but I feel like my emotions are too much and too big for another person. I get into the truck and ask her if she wants to come with me, she says no and I close the door. I wake up. This dream is extremely relevant to what is happening in my current life. I need to release attachment to who my mom is dating and let her make mistakes based on her own choices and personality. I need to release my need for her recognition and move forward with my own life. I cannot change her, help her, validate her etc. She must be on her own. I am not her parent.