Dream Journal Ultimate
Date: 12/7/2021
By Fitful
I was on a train. It was full of everyone I'd ever known, mostly family, but also lovers past. I was angry and hurt. No one wanted to be with me, or even be in my company. They didn't like how loud I was, how I was angry, what I needed, and were tired of me. They avoided me. In fact , so many of them avoided me, all of them, that I was in excruciating pain by the time I realized it. They ditched me to sit in a booth alone. Which made me angrier and more hurt. Not a single person wanted to be with me. Not friend, not family, and not romantically. Well except my ex Miranda. No I didn't want her. I don't think she wanted me either, she wanted to drain my energy, but that's my private opinion. That's what it felt like when she was around me. She said she wanted to get back together. She was stalking me the whole trip. I moved to a different booth, others all moved to avoid sitting there with me, while they yelled angrily at me or giggled cruelty from another booth and I argued back trying to understand. She moved to a booth directly behind or in front. It was disconcerting. I didn't want to deal with her. But eventually she posted a video blog that i caught about how she wasn't going to get me but she'd leave it running for a while, one last attempt, and I realized she'd been doing it all along. People were watching, rooting for her. It irritated me. I went to her, she was in some green grassy garden in the night, and made her shut it off. People watching cheered when I arrived. I gave them that, knowing they needed a victory, but I was going to shut her down privately. She again tried to convince me to be with her. She showed me a private outside bench,where we could talk. It was large and in a dark porch, like outside a home in a secret garden. It was large enough to sleep on, and had two benches in an L. It was very nice. I was mad I hadn't seen it earlier. I'd been desperate for a place to sleep, its why I was so mad and hurt in the first place. I just wanted one person who wanted to be with me, so I could get some rest. But not this person. Which I couldn't help, those were my feelings. She'd worn out her welcome long ago, when we dated. Now it felt icky and no I didn't want it. Her. No. We talked. I tried to explain she wasn't the right person and she was pushing at the wrong time. I was still grieving. I didn't want to be with someone when I was still grieving Laura. For a moment that sounded like I'd be with her in the future. I thought about it, listened to myself, and realized I was again trying to convince myself to try with her, just to please her. Again. As I did with everyone. I didn't mean to, I'd been getting over that habit. And I didn't want to be with her, either. She was the type of person I'd not even want to be friends with. I tried to tell her. She pointed out she was good at pleasuring me, rather crudely. She tried to touch me under the bench, through it, I avoided her touch. She wasn't listening. We ended up in a room, a friends room. It had a fireplace and was indoors, a beautiful living room. I knew him. He was cool. He wasn't there, gone for a bit. What she didn't know was he had pet cats. I mean big cats. While we talked they kept prowling at the sliding glass door. She didn't let me get in a word enough to warn her. When finally they'd had enough, a lion bounded in the room and attacked her. Lucky for her it was a playful attack. But it shut her up finally. I pet a Jaguar, it's fur thick and wirey, and cooed to it how beautiful it was to pet. The texture was incredible. I kept petting big cats, and I tried to go back to convincing her but I was too distracted. She was silent, and didn't pet them.