crying

Date: 5/28/2016

I was watching a play/movie. Two guys. One was A. Villairagosa playing a cop, the other was a good actor playing an intense yet emotionally troubled guy. The scene cut to the troubled guy dead, floating face up submerged in the bank of a river near a bridge. His heart was floating up towards the surface of the water. I laughed cause at first I thought it was a joke, but then I saw Vikkairagosa crying and shaking his head. I was then on the bridge with a class. We were studying the film. Then we were at Martin Scorcese's home in the woods. He was showing us how to make films. He handed a girl what looked like a series of spice containers connected together at their sides and inside each one was some bit of film. He showed her you could change how the film was edited by playing around with the spice boxes. We were then walking up a set of stairs whose walls were filled with massive amounts of these spice boxes, all labeled and containing bits of film from his classic movies. But some just had cigarettes. I was then in a basement room that belonged to this body-building Hawaiian guy who I think is a real person from my past, but I can't remember where or when. We all had just seen the play. The Hawaiian guy told me to go lock the door, and that meant we were going to smoke pot. I locked the door and said, "Door locked." But then I questioned myself because after turning the lock I didn't test the door. I went back to door, and sure enough it was unlocked. I was relieved I checked and then really locked and tested it. As I came back, Hawaiian guy had gotten up from his seat to get out bong so I sat in his seat. All the other guys were eating pizza but not me as I was dieting. I felt proud I didn't give in to eating. I was sitting across from my real childhood friend Adam (but he looked like other real guy Josh), and we were talking about the play. I was filled with regret and sadness and felt I could be honest with Adam. I started to tell him how I was feeling and began to cry. I was telling him how I wish I had pursued acting but now it was too late, and how I had let insecurity stop me and make me quit, but all I wanted was to be able to express myself like this honestly. He said he just wanted to be different - unique. I said I didn't even care about that anymore. I just wanted to be real. If that meant I was the same as everyone else then so be it, it was honest. I was so emotional and full of passion.