yucky people.

Date: 8/2/2019

July 29 2019 Nathan and Hayden were both in it. 🙄 I remember Nathan looking much more attractive and much softer than he does irl once again. i think he was telling me about how much he’s changed and how he’s a much better person and i believed him and i knew he was telling the truth (he was telling the truth in my dream; he’s not actually a better person irl and probably will never be loll) but i was kinda just ignoring him and treating him like the piece of garbage he is and i was really just disgusted and annoyed that he was even talking to me and yeah. i know i have no feelings for him anymore so im confused as to why i keep having dreams of him talking to me and me being disgusted. i think my brain still cant get over the fact that a pretty face like that (even tho he’s literally fucking ugly in real life🙄) is fucking wasted on a horrible human being who uses trauma as an excuse to be an asshole. Hayden was there and i dont think anything bad happened w him, i dont really remember but if i am remembering correctly he dmed me again and said he still had feelings for me and it felt super duper comforting and shit bc deep down i still got hella feelings for him. but i KNOW if we didn’t cut each other off i would be rly unstable rn and basically shouldering the weight of both mine and his issues. so. maybe im able to admit it bc i know theres no chance of us even talking ever again and i know he’s never gonna contact me again so... im safe. if he did contact me again irl i know i’d just run away like a scared deer like i do every time lol. i also woke up feeling like i cheated on rod or something and im not allowed to like rod anymore bc i still have these feelings lol. but i dont really know if they’re like, actual lingering feelings or me liking the attention they both gave me.