Vigil.

Date: 3/23/2022

I dreams about my grandma. Either she or I wore long hair extensions, black, clearly artificial hair. I know it was me because I could see them from my perspective. But I think she wore them too. They were braided, and I felt like Cher. My Grandma bustled about the kitchen, the house, keeping very bright and busy. It was a wedding and a vigil. Aunties were knitting white silk to decorate a cradle. And the table. And every flat surface. I thought it was my Grandma who was dying, or they were preparing for it, but it seemed months away. It seemed silly to hold the vigil now. Or was it a wedding? My mom was there. She was a giant. I hugged her and felt very small. I said something terrible, and didn't feel happy to see her. My contempt showed. I sat with my mother and father, in between them, and was scolded for being rude by him. I didn't care. Neither were people I wanted, instead sitting there I realized I really wanted a family. Why had I decided to never have one? I felt me and them morph into a family of my own, with a child that was me, and me with a husband. For a long moment I wanted it. I read a poem. It was beautiful and I wanted to remember it. I only was able to keep a hold of the last line. Be careful the path yourselves, yourselves, yourselves.