The Perils of Unworthiness

Date: 5/8/2017

I was hanging out with this girl, we might have been dating. She was very intense. She liked to drag me around on all the things she ran off to do. Something happened which disappointed her, she took off a bit ahead and I was left running behind. I broke my shoes, they were very tall stilettos. I had a pile of hundreds of shoes, maybe thousands, all tall stiletto type at least 6 inches each, they were right beside me, in this huge pile. But I mourned the lost of the pair I was wearing. They were my favorite and to me the only ones I could wear. They were white. She came back, huffing mad and grabbed me and all my shoes and shut us off in a little room. It was white and empty. Instead of me putting on a new pair she decided we were going to live underwater. We dived deep under the water which the floor of the room connected with, and for a while we lived underwater. We lived under this zen floating temple made up of lots of wooden bridges and it was always raining. The water was always over the walkways and so it created a beautiful effect from above. There was an Investigator, a man in black long raincoat with an umbrella, he danced around on those bridges. Beneath the water it was different. Electricity didn't work the same way I learned quickly. And fans didn't work the same way, they only blew one way, at those who came into the room, but not those who've been there a while. I felt it was difficult to learn how to maneuver and orient underwater. It was peaceful a bit, but just as I got used to it she wanted to leave. We came up on an island where we stayed. She was pretty unhappy, she was dating two people at once and it was known to both of them she did. One was a male and one was female. I might have been the girl, but I'm not sure. She was often mad at her boyfriend, which is why she was mad before. He didn't do or be what she wanted. He had braided hair. This is how I identifed him, I didn't actually see him, well I saw his braids once or twice. She was very famous to the world for sleeping with girls. The world was always interested in everything she did, especially in her female dating. The world was small, very small, as if it had shrunk down to 5% it's size. Being popular was a good thing, and major with a world population like that. It was her birthday and she kept receiving presents. I was crazy jealous for some reason. I was just jealous in general. I wanted to be with her, I was hungry for her, but she was too distracted by everything to notice or care that much. Even if I was dating her, her female flavor of the month, it didn't matter. I was worthless. She cared about all the other things more than me. Her presents which the world and her boyfriend bought her were awesome. She also bought herself some amazing things. I was so jealous. I adored all the thing she got, and I was jealous of people who would buy her things and I was jealous she had money to buy herself things. I knew my birthday was coming up and she wouldn't even remember. I decided, in that female passive aggressive way, to not even tell her. I knew she either wouldn't remember so I could be mad at her with reason, or she would and give me something small and I'd be happy for a while. I felt small either way, as if I was less than her, less than her dog or something. I just hung around accepting the scraps she doled out, not thinking myself worthy of even them. All the while I was writing a book. It was a good book and kinda light in color, and it was being published. I already had someone who wanted to put it out there. I didn't really think this achievement very noteworthy, I was so distracted by this girl I didn't notice my own life happinesses. There was a hamster behind the television, chewing wires the whole time as well, it had threatened to and followed through when no one gave into its demands.