Clown Collection

Date: 7/25/2019

Some things to know about me before I start talking about this dream. I’m a clown collector. It’s a hobby of mine. I collect clown themed antiques and vintage items. It doesn’t matter if it’s from the antique store or the local Goodwill. Doesn’t matter if it’s a clown doll, clown glass decoration, music box, etc. I see it, I like it, I want it, I get it, and it’s usually fairly cheap. Understandably since no one else really wants them. I have about 25 clowns in my real life. I got six new ones for my birthday, which was very recent. My clowns are usually in my room as I sleep, but this night they were all sorted on the dining room table. Now for my dream. I don’t remember what led up to it. I do remember I had gotten new clowns and I was also in a big city in a European country. The hotel I was in was big and extravagant, white and gold with tall ceiling, giant mirrors, a big king sized bed. I woke up in that bed, and in front of me on some dresser table, was my clown collection. Now they weren’t really anything like my clowns in real life. They looked older and more expensive. I felt like I was in an impossible dream world where I was surrounded by things I could never afford, but could never really want anyways. I walked around the room, getting my things ready for the day, I assume I was doing the regular vacation things that day, sight seeing and what not. And then I stopped and I looked at this one particular clown. It was about maybe a foot tall, a doll with some kind of fragile glass porcelain body. I can’t describe it, as my memories of it are vague now. It wasn’t a clown I owned in real life, but somehow it was a clown I would always dream of having. An innocent cute face, a sweet smile, just very beautiful. But that’s not why I was looking at it. I stared at this clown, and for some reason, I told myself that I knew... I knew this clown wanted to hurt me. It was going to hurt me, I told myself. This clown is going to get me. When I’m least expecting it this clown is going to hurt me in some way. I told myself that I knew, I knew there was some dark evil energy in this clown, and it was after ME specifically. And I became overcome with fear as stared at it. At this powerful dark being that for some reason, was out to get me, it had nothing but malice for me. That’s what I told myself, and I was so certain of it. And in that moment, I knew that I had to get it, before it got me. So I acted immediately. I won’t lie, there was so much hesitation in my body. I didn’t want to hurt this clown. When if I wrong or crazy, and I’m just hurting an innocent clown. Not to mention how beautiful it was, how... worthy of love. How VALUABLE. And I thought of that, but I told myself that I needed to put those worries behind. I needed to hurt this clown, I needed to get it, to destroy it. So I did. I grabbed it, and threw it on the floor. I threw it across the room. Beat its face in with my foot. Thrashed it against the dresser. I had no mercy. Its faced chipped and limbs broke. Its clothes torn and cracks resembling scars spread across its body. I beat it until it was unsalvageable, until it worth nothing, and I convinced myself in the moment that it was necessary. When it was all done I stared down at its body. I saw I what I did to it. I immediately felt regret. Shame and guilt washed over my body. I realized what I had done. I hurt them, and they were never going to forgive me. Why did I do that? Were they really going to hurt me? How would I had even known for sure, and if I did why was so so in malice over it. Something that I had cherished and was valuable to me, I hurt them. I looked up from the body, and the clowns surrounded me. Their facial expressions hadn’t changed, nothing about them had. But I knew they were shaming me. I knew what they felt. Shock and disgust, betrayal and fear. Anger. I felt my feet no longer touching the ground. I felt my body lift and become weightless. My view was panning up, the clowns moving down. I gazed down at them, I knew they were doing this. I began to rise.