Do it it again.

Date: 12/4/2021

It was the last day of school. High school to be precise, I went to a preppy one. We wore uniforms. Everything was ending. I had a bunch of stuff in a dorm. It was all obviously mine. Outside that room a bunch in our wing was gathered around a piles of flowers so high it went to the ceiling. Or maybe it came from the ceiling, hanging down on a bough so low it kissed the floor and dropped flowers like fruit everywhere. I picked out some roses. They came in different sizes, all a delicate artisan red, as if the color red was painted onto watercolor, and that delicate petal was the rose. But of course, still petal, nor paper. I liked the end result. It was an artful armful. The tall roses were thick on the bottom, falling in a descending order, with baby's breath interspersed on the smallest. A female classmate came over to ms and demanded to see the display. I showed it to her shyly, expecting the praise. The baby roses were a delightful treat, rare to find, and id found so many. It was good, I knew. But she picked up the roses, ruining the look, folding them into a round bouquet when it should lay flat "ahh, these will do nicely." She said. Then put them back in my arms, all mussed. The baby roses weren't to be seen, now hidden inside the round bouquet. She hadn't even seen them. In my room, some anarchist was going to set fire to it. To collect the insurance money, a nice bit of money to start over with. So grab what you want to keep and let's get out of here. I think they planned to do it to a few choose dorms or maybe all of them. They were a figure I looked up to, followed without question, and I paused thinking it wasn't nice...we'd probably only get so much money, not all what the stuff was worth... then did as I was told. I moved some stuff, grabbing the last of what I'd save. I grabbed some boxes. I didn't try and hide the amount I took, finally glad to be done. I just grabbed the last of the small boxes, full of choice moments. Under them, I found card decks. Card decks I red tarot with, all in the shape of a coffin. I must have had 3 or 4 decks all like that. At first I just grabbed my favorite, the one I'd begun scribbling notes on. But then I grabbed he next and the next. Thinking how often do you find coffin shaped tarot cards. Then I just grabbed them all. There was also a kitten. It was left under there too, small and grey like a baby still. I couldn't leave the kitten to die. But I barely paid it attention. Next I was with some girls. A few were mean popular ones but I'd made a deal with one, she pretended to be mean but it was filmed, and became a commercial of sorts advertising our new school performance. I went into a glass box room and two came with. They began questioning me for a big reveal. The popular girl made good on our deal and got people watching online, soon the whole school would be watching for the reveal. I wanted everyone to hear it. I wore a schoolgirl uniform with a bag over my head. so did the others, to protect anonymity. But they were also supposed to know me, its co fusing outside the dream. As we played our lines, edging towards the reveal as people came online, I worried this would go down in history. That other schools would do this play once it caught on, and due to the paper bags, they'd be able to say anything and it would be believed as what was said here. That only this one time, would the truth be told. I left the room, ejected. I never did hear my own big reveal, I knew it in the dream but I don't recall it now. The person who through me out laughed and yammered some nonsense. It was like dialogue from a TV show, they'd made effort to keep me at school, to keep me happy, playing out a caricature of what they thought I was. A goth girl I was, but they put me in lines, in a role, that made me play a goth girl that was their version not mine. Then - as the lines dictated - rejected me based on that caricature not reality. It was laughably funny. And frustrating. I yelled at the door, that I wasn't that goth girl, banging fists on it, but it didn't open. They announced if you wanted the food that was yours from the communal fridge come get it. Pick up a black trash bag with your name. I didn't care at first, but then I thought I could use come condiments to begin my new fridge and pantry. That's all I had, old sticky condiments. I decided to go and retrieve them. All my stuff was packed, I felt guilty about taking it as it was supposed to burn. I worried someone would find out I had. But I would only be gone shortly. I walked with a friend down to the front. She was actually my best friend, a blonde. But at the last minute she received a request from the headmistress to come with her. I waited by the front door - with the déjà vu sense I'd done this before, had this dream before, and the last time I'd surprised her by waiting right there until she was done getting delicate news. It was a job done by a best friend, and I did it before missing out on something. She'd been moved. The headmistress pulled her aside, towards her office door. It was something about her mother... Or mothers? She protested, said both of them were dead... But apparently it was a confusion on her part. I left, it seemed impolite to listen to. I'd planned to stay, loyal as I apparently did before, but it didn't turn out that way. I just left, wandered away as one does in dreams. I made my way towards the parking lot in which they were giving out the foodstuffs. It was jam packed full. Like a spirit rally, or a car wash, or a festival, it was full of the entire school crowd. They were noisome and put on displays. A girl who'd been in charge of my production was heading a new one, and doing a good job. I felt happy for her, she'd been invisible all through school. I walked across and empty car park. Only cars filled it. It was quieter and more peaceful. I had the thought, suddenly, that maybe I should go back to high school. Just do the entire thing again, and again. I didn't really want to, but maybe I should. I could pass for a kid again maybe, better if I could be younger and do it all again properly, do all I hadn't done this time. I nearly made the decision to do that when the dream ended. I was hesitant, because I wasn't sure I could pull it off. I remembered - sorta heard in a recording that played in the sky like an invisible thought bubble - the sound of my younger voice. It was different, I had changed. My voice was deeper now, more adult. Before it was younger and higher. Still a bit throaty but the difference was notable. I was still musing on that, and nearly deciding, more knowing I was going to do it. Again and again and again. I think I was supposed to.