Longing for another baby, but worries get in the way.

Date: 6/17/2016

I'm admiring a woman's full pregnant belly. I touch her belly and can feel the baby kick. I'm happy for her but I feel sad because I want one too. Later I write a note to my mother, who always wanted another grandchild, apologizing for only having one. I write that I've always wanted another child or two but I'm worried about a lot of things. I'm scared that my body won't work right for delivery (last time I was 2 weeks overdue and had to be induced). My abdominal muscles separated with the last pregnancy and I'm afraid I might get a hernia with the next one. I'm also getting older and running out of time, almost 30. In real life I'm also freaked out about the zika virus, which supposedly is in my area, but I don't think I wrote that one down, just the possible physical inadequacies. There are other things that I worry about in regards to having another baby but I didn't mention them. I write about how sad I am that I don't have more children and how I wish I had more. I'm also back working at the shipping store and everything that can go wrong does. There is a big line of people and I can't seem to do anything right. After that, I'm packing a gift box for mothers day and I put the note from earlier and a bunch of random food from my cupboard. I also make a dinner. My siblings come and start eating. My little sister criticizes my daughter's skin saying that it is too dark. I say that it is perfect and it doesn't even burn in the sun (like mine does). My brother ate all of the mashed potatoes before my mom even got there and the dinner was ruined.