Explaining myself

Date: 3/8/2019

I fell back asleep and had another dream. This time I was in a county that didn’t exist but it reminded me a lot of like. China? Or Thailand? Something like that but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t a real place. I had done something that had made me famous, and I was there to take part in some festival because yknow I could bc I had money or something now. Idk. I remember there was this really cute goth girl there though and she was like. About me and I remember looking at her and being like “oh shit big tiddy goth gf” And she was like “hell yeah”. And that was a fun beginning to the dream. But then the thing we were riding in crashed so we had to walk the rest of the way. But I got there and I met this man who was local to the town we were in, and he was telling me that he didn’t believe in mental illnesses and disabilities and that we can achieve anything if we try hard!! And I was very upset by that. I tried to explain to him-because I have severe depression, anxiety disorder, PTSD, bipolar personality disorder, ADD, along with being autistic— that achieving goals and dreams and doing things that can make me happy or even just keep me healthy are almost IMPOSSIBLE because of my mental illnesses and disability. He didn’t seem to believe me. I told him that the things I loved, art and history and paleontology and anthropology, and music... If I loved them as much as I said I did, why wouldn’t I have pursued them if money wasn’t an issue now? I had to explain that sometimes I couldn’t even get out of bed or shower or feed myself. I would starve myself for days just because I couldn’t find the will or energy to make food. He still didn’t get how serious it was and kept saying like “you have to try harder!” And I was like DUDE. Okay. So then I took out this mirror and I held it out to him and I said “okay. What do you see in this mirror?” And he looked at it for a few moments and described what he saw, he saw like. Yknow people from the festival wearing this big colorful dresses and the decorations and food and what not. And I told him “Okay, reach in and grab those things. Grab something to eat. Grab some clothes to put on. Grab something to make you happy.” And he was like “ I can’t it’s just a mirror.” And I was like YEAH that’s how it feels being so fucked up. There are things I see that I want, things I wanna do, and regardless of money to be honest, because of my illnesses and disability I’ll probably never have those things because they’re out of reach. Like trying to reach through a mirror. It was a frustrating dream because I just wanted to scream and yell and tell him he just doesn’t get it!!! But then I woke up bc my friend called me so. I guess I’ll never get to see how that dream ends.