Snippets of Friends and Depression

Date: 3/7/2017

Snippets. 1. I am in a thrift store maybe. Yes it's a thrift store but it looks fancy enough to be a mall. I want to buy a television, for some reason I am frustrated I don't have one. But I can't afford a good one. The only ones for sale are large flat screens which won't charge, their cords have been broken. I wonder if I could learn to fix that problem on the Internet, but I immediately shoot myself down thinking my brain isn't good enough. I walk through the store without buying a television. 2. I am practicing passivity, going with the passive route, taking the path of least resistance, trying to live life softly. It's an exercise. My ex girlfriend, who I was avoiding, is in the mall with a friend of hers and sees me. She wants me to go to a movie with them, some shiny thing about ice. I don't want to go, but then she guilts me into going saying it's not passive for me to say no. 3. I have been part of a group of close friends for a while. We all love each other so much. Lately I have been feeling sick and overwhelmed by life. Especially by my best friend, a gay guy who I adore, and it is slowly driving me into depression. I finally ask if I could be left alone and not be constantly with these friends all the time, him especially. I ask for space. They give it to me but my best friend is upset, huffy, hurt, and goes off and starts hanging out with a bitch we all hate. I get more rest and feel less overwhelmed but on the occasion I am out with my friends, he snubs me and hangs out with the bitch. I find myself gazing into the window after him whining like a puppy, I am so sick my head is on the Diner table. But I can't help but feel sad he is so mad at me. Another friend laughs a bit at my whining and says "You really love him, don't you?" I confirm it. I really do. I just have been so sick lately. And he always needs attention, all the time. I know if I apologize and win him back he will go back to doing the same thing. And I am too tired. 4. I am sick and in a tent a lot. It's a small tent which is my bedroom. The tent is also in the mall, but acts like an apartment. I keep going there. There are a lot of Doritos. I only feel better when I eat Doritos. Whenever I go in there I have to change a babies diaper. The baby only seems to exist when I change its diaper. Sometimes I put Doritos in the diaper. 5. This business man I work with secretly arranges for this guy to be dead, either he kills him himself or arranged it some how. The guy he kills has been plaguing me for a while, even threatening me, and is about to take my business away. But I don't want him dead, and I am consigned to give up the warehouse. I am at the warehouse where the dead body is after the business man kills him but I don't know it's there, he is there preparing to light the place on fire. Flowers, roses, addressed to me from the dead guy are the only clue and I don't look at them. If I just read the name on the tag. I am in my perspective but it's as if the business man is also looking out my body even tho I see him running around, dousing things in gasoline. I don't actually see him, like I'm blind to his machinations. Like I'm a person watching TV from my own body. I even see him when I am upstairs and he is down stairs. I still don't see the roses and the tag which would incriminate him. Finally I find the body and I am horrified. He announces the body will go up in flames soon anyways. I try and stop him. 6. I ask myself what I look like and it's like the camera pans around to view me. I am a little startled to see I am Indian, young with hair frosted silver at the ends, and dressed alternatively, but awesome. It's a cool ruffle lace collar which falls down to a bib attached to a white blouse, a black suit jacket over it. A bolo tie. It's really just a close up of my face, like I was taking a selfie. Makeup is spot on too, winged eyeliner and popping mascara. 7. Kinda like an anime cartoon scene I am both in and watching, there is a guy in the rain trying to explain to a girl(me) some bad guys motives. Only he is creepy and almost acting out the thing, definitely narrating it, like it's something sexy. Then he tries to touch the girl(me) out in public in the rain. I think it's inappropriate for a cartoon.