Past Pains & Present Feelings

Date: 3/8/2021

Before I begin this dream, it should be known that I don’t get along with my Father and his family. In fact, not getting along is putting it lightly. I haven’t seen any of my father’s family since maybe 2014, I think. I’m pretty sure they’ve disowned me, and I don’t know why I should care. My friends and my true family, my mother’s family, don’t think I should give them the time. I say I don’t love them, often I claim to hate them. I know I still love them, though. This is why it still hurts. So, the other night, I dreamt I was with them on a Christmas morning, which is strange, because that was the last time I saw them. Anyway, seeing them in this setting must’ve struck something inside me, as I grew incredibly angry. My therapist once told me people can show anger or aggression when, in reality, they are hurt. So, I’m guessing the sight of my father’s family at Christmas must’ve brought back that pain. This is when my cousin placed something on my shoulder, or rather, someone. It was Butterscotch, my childhood cat. When I was a child, Butter meant everything to me. I’m not entirely sure why, but I’ve never loved any cat as much as I did Butter. Unfortunately, he died of some rare illness around 8 years of age. I was heartbroken. Still am. Anyway, in my dream, despite not seeing him initially, I knew immediately who he was, and my anger vanished like that. His very presence had calmed me and I was so happy to see him again. According to my dream version cousin, Butter had been in some kind of alternate dimension or something. Somewhere between the smallest fractions of time, lie those of another dimension and Butter had somehow slipped into there, and never had died (or aged, apparently). When my cousin found this out, she did all she could to bring him back for me. She reunited us that dream Christmas. This is when I awoke. Despite my short, happy visit with Butter, I now realized he was never still alive. He is dead. He’s been dead for years. I haven’t seen or heard from my cousin, who may hate me, in years either. I can only look back at my dream and see it as what my heart desires. Unfortunately, people don’t usually get things they desire. I will never see Butterscotch again, and if for whatever reason I see anyone in my father’s family again, we will never be a loving family. Things, despite how good they were, once changed, just can’t go back. That’s something many don’t understand, but need to accept. I’ve cried a lot over this dream. It hurts to think about, knowing these are just fantasies. I may be a pessimist, but I do know what I say is true, which is why I continue to cry today.