Commitment Issues

Date: 2/25/2017

I fell asleep thinking about making a band and some of the songs I used to write. So when I closed my eyes that's the first place I went, me on stage with a band behind me. Everything was fine until I noticed a man from my English class there. He was southern, rich, handsome, but also a complete asshole. He's someone I try not to think of, so seeing him in my dream weirded me out; especially since I haven't seen him in person for about three or four months. None the less he came up to me and asked me on a date, I replied "You're real cute and all, but I have a boyfriend. I'm sorry" In real life he doesn't take rejection well, I learned, but in my dream he was sweet and accepted my reason but also retorted that he wouldn't give up and he'd be there when we broke up. Then there was a weird montage almost of us becoming friends but there was always this tension between us that seemed unavoidable. In real life, I have terrible commitment issues and one of the things I'm scared of most is my crazy brain allowing myself to cheat and I break the heart of a boy I love unconditionally. It's always been a problem but I've never actually cheated on anyone. But, in my dream, I did. It flashed back to the beginning when he asked me out and this time he was more persistent. He told me he'd pay for my tuition for a semester, as he's rich and I'm poor, not to go on a date with him but just to keep him in mind if things went downhill with my boyfriend. I couldn't agree, that large amount of money couldn't come without consequences. I said, "if I take that money I'll have to give you something in return." He thought and said "what about a kiss." I guiltily agreed and told him only if it was in private. We went to a women's bathroom that was conveniently empty. In a stall, my nerves began to get the best of me but he held my hand and calmed me down. He kissed me slowly at first, but then I couldn't resist anymore and things got intense. I woke up feeling extremely guilty because the dream seemed so real.