I can’t go on the trip 😣

Date: 6/20/2019

I find myself with Manda, it seems we are going on a trip, a bit like a school trip, also a bit like a PGL type thing, only we know that we are adults! I seem to be with her at granny and grandpa‘s and I discover that I have a very short time to prepare and pack, so I panic a little. Next thing I know we are actually away, but we are still at granny and grandpa’s… And I’m taking my clothes out of my suitcase to discover that I never actually packed properly at all, I’ve got hardly any clothes and only the pair of knickers that I’m wearing. This is very different to my usual dream about going away, normally I have far too much stuff! I’m not sure that that is resolved, but dream goes on to other things – more people arrive, including Kim and Karen from school, it seems that we all know each other tho they are from different parts of my life, also Nikki Herbert, and others. everyone seems very Pally together. There are beds scattered all over the room, but I have the only proper bed, the one that I always slept in in the top room. But then I start to think, I’m not sure I can cope with this, all these people… and going away as well. It seems we are congregating in this room for one night and then being taken off to the activity centre tomorrow. At some point I am away from my bed and I come back to it to discover that sitting on it is a man with two amputated legs,, and I think oh gosh, he’s claimed it for himself and how can I argue with him? I may be using a wheelchair at times but probably he’s got more of a claim here. There are mattresses on the floor and I need someone to get me one, but then I’m not sure how I will manage to get up off the floor as my legs are bad at the moment. I’m just thinking, I need to talk to someone who is in charge here, because I really can’t cope with this. Some leaders come in, it’s as if they are teachers although I know that we’re not at school. One of them starts to talk about what’s involved in the week ahead. There is a lot of talk of risk and danger and excitement, and it seems everyone is very sporty – and I realise that it’s very much a sports activity week, and I think why did I sign up to this? Why did I think I could do this? (I know that I’m ill with ME all along and I’m also aware that no one really understands) I’ve made my way out of the room and behind all the Leaders who are talking about what’s going on, and there is a strange interlude outside where there is a sort of army display, lots of soldiers putting their guns to the sky and shooting as warplanes go overhead very low – I crouch to the ground and think, this must be what it’s like being in a war… I did wonder why this was going on, I knew I was safe but had that kind of animal fear. I felt that I probably shouldn’t be there but no one challenged me. I made it back into the house and found the main leader who had been speaking to the group and talk to him about my situation. He seemed very understanding, but wasn’t sure how I could get home. I told him that the place we were staying was actually my grandparents house so maybe they would let me stay with them until I could get back. A while later he comes to find me and tells me that although it is my grandparents place, they will be charging me £200 to stay another night – I think goodness, I could’ve gone on that lovely retreat for all the money I’ve spent! I’m a bit confused why they would do that as well. Then I make my way back to the room and discover that it’s been blocked off, everyone’s gone to bed. So I go in and it’s dark, I try to find where I can sleep – of course end up waking up everybody and they are really angry with me and I think at some point I am telling them loudly and emotionally why I can’t go on the trip and someone also gives me a letter telling me they don’t want me there with them. I explain that I’m not normally like this, it’s the ME that makes it hard for me to cope, Gill Drewary is there and she says, yes you were never like that before, she’s sticking up for me. Then I suppose it must be next day, I find myself in the local village – that looks nothing like where granny & grandpa used to live – I am wondering where their house is – I look for their local church and see it, then I asked a passerby, do you know where Greenhills is – Mr and Mrs Banks house? She says, oh yes, I know where that is, they are not like they used to be, since they’ve started the business in their house – the implication is it’s a negative change. I think, that must be why they are charging me to stay at their house. I asked her, how old are they now? And she says they are 70, and I say, gosh I thought they were a lot older than that. They lead me towards a shopping centre, it seems their house is now accessed through a shop, I recognise nothing – it’s all changed very much since my childhood. But as we go in I recognise the seating that used to be in their old dining room, the cushions that sighed when you sat on them! I spot granny in the hallway and call out to her, relieved. But she just looks at me blankly and says, oh it to you… Not like her at all… And I think, this is where the change has happened. That is sad. I look around the house a bit and see what I can recognise from before… They seem to be workshops, allsorts of different usage of rooms and cupboards, nothing is wasted, and there are people everywhere. After that I can’t remember anymore – maybe I woke up 🤔 I noted this down because it felt quite meaningful. Not necessarily a word from God, but just a way that my subconscious is speaking to me. The sense of not belonging anywhere, the feeling like being ill is a barricade against joining in with people, with life. And also the fear of alienating people who I hope will care about me. It’s like everything has changed for me, and I’m trying to work out how to live in this new world where my body doesn’t do what I wanted to do, and nobody understands, or has little time for me. And maybe the interlude outside where there was the army display, the planes and the shooting, it’s because it’s so hard for me to find a place where I feel safe, where ever I go it’s a fight for me?