Love

Date: 4/29/2017

Last night I must have had what might be one of my most life changing dreams in past thought, second only to my dream of heaven and hell (which that dream, or course, has been imbedded so far within my memory without doubt I should be able in the future to understand what I mean by this). This dream shares incredible similarity to the heaven hell dream, by nature of having both good and bad, although the good of this dream comes after the dream itself. Secondly to this, I feel as this dream was a kind of climax to my uncontrollable nightmare saga (or my interactions with my shadow, although that term can be used to mean multiple things, I am going to consider it this thing for now, and I wanted to called it Antiforce but that sounds pretty stupid desu), and seems to be the quintessential, so whenever I mention one of those types of dreams, this will be the one I will speak of. Whatever the true ramifications of this dream are have yet to come. What this dream means, at the point of writing this, is rather confusing, but at least not utterly so. The dream is one of those dreams that's so long I may get things out of order, so keep that in mind while reading this. Also, I realized it is never a good idea to sleep facing down. Before this dream, and in general at this point of my life, I've been trying to go back to that innocent wonderful feeling that I felt when I was a child, by loving the world, trying to be kind, and being aware of reality more. For the most part, I am getting closer. Secondly to this, the night preceding the dream I did some minor third eye meditation, and while being naïve by worrying about whether the meditation (whether you could even call it that, visualization is more accurate) did anything, I had some pretty cool visions. They included shuffling noises, sounds of doors closing, door knobs turning, and people talking; one of them I think to be one of the coolest, was a female figure with what I could call the body of a giantess; not that she was fat, or massive, but just that she was considerably larger than the average person. The vision was blurry, but I could make out she was a brunette who wore green and red cloth, that was sort of a mix between Celtic and Roman styles. She exuded an aura of an angel or guide, maybe an archon of sorts. In the vision she went to talk to someone and then back to where she was. All in all, it was a very good experience and a sign that my third eye meditations worked. Importantly, I went to sleep facing down. That might have been part of why it was a nightmare. Most likely, the dream started off like these types of dreams usually do. With me laying down, and being dragged off with some kind of unnatural force. I feel the stiffness in my body, the awful buzzing (note: my astral projection experiences never have buzzing, or at least the less buzzing the more positive the experience), and the doom of being without any control. From a previous dream that was of the same kind, I learned that I can only go with the current of this type of dream, and that maybe this fear was a part of myself, a theory that is certainly not new to my consciousness; so I gave up and let go. I let myself drift off into this otherworld, so I could finally put an end to this. I let myself drift off to what was hurting me and making me afraid. I didn't fully do this however. Many times I tried to escape, like I usually do. I tried to find awareness in my body, move my real arms and break the dream, to move my head and jaw to stop seeing it. All that did was bring me deeper into the dream. This fight between drifting and fear was beautiful. I would be in a state where I couldn't tell if I was dreaming or not, fighting to break the dream state, something of which I have learned I can not doubt when I truly experience (yet I should remain cautious to analogize this to spiritual reality, but not too cautious). In the dream where I thought I was awake, my bedroom was beautiful. A small light that I thought was where my TV light thing was was very clear and beautiful. In retrospect, I should've been more aware. But maybe it was that I was more aware that I experienced it. The battle was intense, moving my numb and stiff jaw and arm to free myself, yet only making the dream more vivid and harder to tell what was real. It got to the point where I got up out of my bed (within the dream), feeling so nauseous, like I was dying. It was disorienting and blurry, something that could not have happened if I maintained steadfast awareness, yet a product that happened do to my daily mindfulness (it was much more enrapturing). The nausea and the sickness, accompanied by the disreality, was mindbreaking. That ended. The brutal battle ended as well and I let myself go. I felt the buzzing and doom, but accepted it. I loved it, I loved all and everything, I had to; I had no other choice. Love was the only option. I got a certain distance from my body and felt as close as I have ever gotten to this creature. It was me. The thing tried to kill me, to break me. It made me feel disconnected from myself and like I was rejecting my own body. It hurt, but I had a trick up my sleeve. I embraced it with love, pure love. I loved it. It was me. It always has been. My shadow. This thing was all me negative aspects. My hate, my self hate, my fear, shreds of myself once lost. I figured out how to transmute self hate. Love it. There is a point where self hate is not cast out, but turned into love. You need the love of someone else to break it, and you need the hate of someone else to break it. This part of me is being integrated and loved. Loved to make it better. Loved to make it stronger. It is me, after all. Afterwards, I was somewhere with my mother and I had a sort of camera coming from my room in my dads house. I was afraid of it, it felt like someone was stalking me. I was also naked, or at least without a shirt. I could interpret this in multiple ways, that maybe the way I am seeing that event now is a bad thing, or that I would remember it in the future, or maybe it meant nothing at all. I later woke up, realizing that I was really truly awake, and not to sleep facing down. I stayed completely still for an amount of time, reveling in what happened. The morning after, I felt very calm, and I physically felt a burden being lifted from me. I was closer to being as a child. My dad was in a bad mood that morning, and had to break up a dog fight. I was in awe of the beauty of the drive, and still feel more free as I am typing this. I was only slightly less annoyed at my dads singing and my dogs whining, but that I should not regret or want to change that, it's who I am. I did better by not letting my anger get to me. It's not about being a perfect person, it's about not being contentious with reality. To repeat, it's about going with the way things are, even your own anger. If things aren't going your own way, that's okay if you are very upset about it. Just don't be upset with you being upset, this is something I should learn.