Despair Personified

Date: 3/26/2019

I was recently sexually assaulted. I suffered a childhood of similarly violent, long-term sexual abuse, leading to troubled teenage years and a turmoiled early adulthood. This dream reflected it. I walked along an endless, dilapidated bridge suspended over a bottomless pit of blackness, like flames lashing up, reaching towards me — the bridge looked to be on the verge of collapse. The end was nowhere to be found, but along the way I approached a creature who stood in my way. It was a gigantic, emaciated monster, with paper white skin covered in slashes. This character’s eyes were hollow circles, as was its mouth, and blood slowly dripped from the orifices. It was completely bald, and wore a crown of thorns. Its horrendously long arms and legs ended in wisps rather than in hands or feet, and its genitals were blacked out, though horrific amounts of blood ran down its legs from the blacked out area. It spoke to me in my voice, saying the thing I remember most: “What a grandiose display of weakness!” It proceeded to berate me, remind me of my failure to protect myself and avenge my young self, and evoke all of the heavy emotions that churn in the pit of my stomach during the day. “I am your despair.” The conversation continued this way, with me getting very little in and instead listening to this monster’s spiel. Though I knew — and know — that this monster was me. In the end, it reached out with its long, wispy arms and wrapped me in a crushing hug, saying “embrace me.” I felt as though I was dying, like the life was draining from my being... and I woke up.