Dream Journal Ultimate
Date: 4/27/2019
By GuppyFang
I have a bit of a reoccurring dream in which my own dad plays some evil version of himself. Different situations and time periods. In this dream it is perhaps the early to mid 1700’s. I am alternating between living in the city and with my dad on a farm. He is a very bad person and visits prostitutes in the city and I think is torturing them and then even bragging to me about the horrible things he does to them. That or I find out somehow because I think that I am a prostitute sometimes too because I am mentally ill and unable to hold a real position anywhere or help like I should on the farm. It is politically okay and even encouraged for men to dispose of these types of women or of anyone who is undesirable. I see a lot of women mutilated on the side of the road. *I blocked part of what happens next out after waking because it was so disturbing.* Next this train is coming around, like a very large circus train, but darker, and rounds me and some other people, men and women, and some children up. They are taking us to a camp somewhere to work, but it is obvious that they will do whatever they want with us for amusement or convenience. We have been dismissed by our entire society. As we approach the circus grounds, there are lions there to scare us. The man on the train speakers tells us that the lions will eat us if we misbehave. He insinuates that one of them should eat someone now or play with them. Everyone on the train begins screaming. Now the whole train rattles tremendously. It is so loud just to be a dream. The train flips over several times. The noise and commotion finally stop and we are all inside the huge, black and dark grey circus tent. There is a semi attractive semi young man in front of us, with straight, blonde hair, a bit shaggy and a very light beard. He seems to exude a pure hatred that terrifies me so much I cannot look at him. A problem I have in real life manifests and I cannot hear him or process what he is saying properly because I am aware that I do not know how to hold his gaze. I am afraid that if I look at him in the eye, as they say, he may be offended, but if I keep looking away like I am doing he will also be offended. I’ve never understood how to go about eye contact. It is too ambiguous a set of “rules” to it all. The man does, to my horror, notice my discomfort and awkwardness. He tells me to come up. I am already in the front so I just scoot up from my position on the ground with everyone else. I do look into his eyes and can tell that he is the man who rapes, hurts animals and people if he can get away with it, and has no feelings of remorse about any of it. He is probably the one who should be labeled “mentally ill,” but he isn’t. He is one of the men running the place. He tells me to put my bare leg out so that he can rub this awful metal file across the top of my thigh like a cheese grater. I reflexively pull away and he is insinuating to me that if I don’t comply he will have to keep starting over. I rise out of my body at this point and leave the situation. After I wake up all the way I lay in bed petrified for the next hour and a half until daylight, thankful at least my big cat is beside me for me to pet. I think that a witch might be in my room though and even am a little afraid of my husband when he looks in on me laying bug eyed in bed before he goes to work. *EMDR session last Monday was in regard to being afraid of being alone in my basement to do work, fearing that I could die there and nobody would know or be able to help me. This is a ptsd fear from years of living in solitude through sickness both mental and physical and almost dying during some of those occasions.