Sleep paralysis 1

Date: 5/12/2019

Started late at night and I can recall thinking about slipping into paralysis a little bit before falling asleep. I was having trouble sleeping prior to the paralysis and I had slept till the afternoon that day so I wasn’t entirely tired. I fell into it as soon as I fell asleep from what I can remember. The first time I think I realised early and woke up after a little bit with no strange events. Still not sure if I genuinely woke up because I can’t recall biting my lip or feeling pain during that period. I decided to fall back to sleep and the next thing I remember was laying on my back just thinking about something unrelated when I realised I couldn’t move my legs. The blanket seemed extremely heavy but I think that was something my subconscious had picked up on from something my younger brother had said a few days prior. When I tried lifting my body up I couldn’t and I felt the wave travel through my body and I became paralysed. From here I lose chronology for the night. I know that during one point of paralysis this night I was facing the window and as I tried to close my eyes (something I’m accustomed to doing as it helps me relax and blocks potential visions) I could see through my eyelids and still make out the blinds on my window which had light shinning through. I also remember my neighbours conversation getting increasingly louder. This is common for me, I often hear voices or people talking in complete sentences with correct speaking patterns and with their usual voices and personalities (eg my neighbours are loud and often talk over each other in strong Australian accents) yet I can never make out or recall what they are saying no matter how hard I focus. The final event of the night had me facing the door. I can remember forcing my eyes closed because the door was open (it wasn’t, it never really is) it worked this time which I am thankful for as I could feel eyes on me that were sending the numbing waves coursing through my body. I forced myself awake from this one and with in a sigh of relief my girlfriend walked in the room and smiled asking if I was okay. As she asked, she climbed over me into her side of the bed and looked at me smiling. As I put my hand on her leg and sat up I started to explain that I was having sleep paralysis and she just gave the warmest reassuring smile and said she knows and that she was watching from the doorway to make sure I was okay (she experiences sleep paralysis as well). I remember smiling back and looking into her eyes. This is when something must have clicked in my conscience brain as I looked at her and said something along the lines of “I still can’t believe this is real, hold on” and shook my head from side to side with my eyes squinted closed (the most common way I’ve found to wake myself up from paralysis, it works about 15% of the time but hey it’s something right?). I felt my body drop again and I was facing a much darker room with my head on the pillow and sweat under my sheets. My body ached and it took me a few seconds to bite my lip, it hurt, I was awake. After this the memories came flooding back, mostly about how me and my girlfriend had broken up a month ago and I hadn’t seen her since her birthday. This left me feeling rather empty as the relief I had felt when I was convinced I’d woken up to her taking care of me was immense. Writing this now however makes me glad that I had woken myself up when I did otherwise I’m almost certain I would have entered paralysis again with her in my bed and a physical presence very rarely leads to a good experience. Another thing that I remember, something that has been increasingly common recently is the moment my eyes open for real, i can see faces. This time it was a woman looking up, not a face that belongs to anyone I know however she was older than me with straight black hair and a pointed nose. It takes a few seconds for this face to dissolve into objects that are on my bedside table (this is what I assume to be my brain justifying its appearance) however if I look back at the place the face was, from the same angle, it’s almost impossible to see anything that could have formed such shapes. Once awake I got myself to sit up and went on my phone for a bit in order to break the cycle (if I fall asleep again without occupying my brain with something else I will always fall back into paralysis, sometimes it’s extremely hard to do this because I’m always exhausted and obviously although I’ve been asleep, my brain has been fully active and often terrified). After falling asleep once I’d broken the cycle I managed to get some rest and I didn’t dream for the rest of the night. This night wasn’t as scary as it was emotional. Because I had seen the paralysis coming I wasn’t initially suprised and I didn’t see anything that shocked me other than the face when I woke up, however that’s relatively new and I’m sure I’ll become use to that over time if it persists. The thing that really caught me off guard was the nice emotions I felt when I saw my ex and how comfortable I was in that moment, however this was of accompanied by a level of lucid dreaming which forced me to wake myself up.