Dream Journal Ultimate
Date: 4/26/2019
By Dontgetdrreamz
I have been depressed coming up on four years. It has been a struggle to make it every day. I have gotten to points where I have slit my wrist until it bled all over the floor, downed 30 pills, gun with bullet in the chamber aimed at my head ready to kill myself, self medication daily for long periods, and at one point I was so unmotivated I could not even get up to brush my teeth or take a shower(for two months) , I had so much anxiety I was scared to come out of my room and see my parents. I couldn’t find a solution, my own self consciousness had driven me into this loneliness unalike anything else. I was so alone, and I had nobody at any point during this. I ended up just hating myself then doing a ton of drugs. On 4/20/19 I decided to do as much drugs as possible. I dropped 200ug LSD and smoked way too much weed. I had been smoking so much that my tolerance made it so that I couldn’t even get high anymore, so I was smoking more and more. That much smoke in your lungs on the daily is horrible for your lungs. During this trip it all started out good laughing my ass off, everything was fine. Then I decided to go outside and smoke a ton of weed. I just chorded a fuck ton and ended up in a horrible state that would come and go as well as a very emotional sad state that would come and go in cycles. I couldn’t find comfort in this lifestyle, I was hurting myself and it stood out to me. It stood out to me so strong that I couldn’t ignore it anymore. I came back inside and cried for fucking hours. I couldn’t control myself, just crying uncontrollably. I lay in my bed trying to find comfort in this bad-trip like state. My chest hurt, I felt like I could not breathe, and I couldn’t. Everything hurt. I had been ignoring the pain for so long. I finally realized the seriousness of my mental state, how this was a turning point in my life, how I had a choice, and how others weren’t the problem but I was. LSD brought all of this to light, right in front of my fucking face. I felt like it was this wise woman that took it as disrespect that I took such a beautiful drug in an attempt to cope with pain. I felt like shit for the next day. I could not sleep all night, nor the next night. I lay in my bed all day, thinking. The next day I woke up went to school feeling like shit, I didn’t want to do it. I ended up skipping my last few classes just to run away. I just walked, no destination at all. I didn’t care where I was going, I just wanted to die, to dissolve and never have existed. I wanted it so fucking bad. I ended up walking around 5 miles to this park and sat in the woods listening to music staring at the reflections in the water for around an hour. I sat there thinking. Then I walked home, still feeling shit. I didn’t care anymore about anything at all. I tip later that night. Later that night I found myself researching a bunch of things. I researched loneliness, personality, behavior, mindset, psychology, and most important of all I watched a ton of motivational videos until I found this one. This one was special. It was of Joe Rogan saying that you decide your future and how the tendency of constantly seeking comfort is toxic for the human health. That in order to cope with pain you have to actually go through it. He also said to write down exactly what you want to do and that nothing else in your life can matter more but that goal. He also said to live your life like it is a movie that you are starring in and will be shown to your kids one day. This made me rethink my life. I realized how bad everything really was. How I had fucked it up. How it had been so long, how I actually had potential in certain situations but declined it because of my mindset thinking it wasn’t such. This combining with the standing out that the LSD trip did for me made my change my life. During that trip I remembered all of my trauma, the time I was sexually abused as a child, the time I made the whole class laugh at this one girl who was a new kid with barely any friends. I remembered all of these and cried all night long. Then a few days later finding this motivation combined. This combination standing out the problem and how to fix it. My mindset. I was no longer going to care what anyone thought at all, if they don’t like me I’m not going to talk to them and they can fuck off. I went to school the next day with the most confidence I had in years. I smiled, I didn’t care and it felt so good. If I was going to kill myself before why not just try one day of not caring what anyone thinks and see how it goes. It was hard. Really hard. I got hard when in one of my classes the teacher assigned a group project, then the people around me going out of their way to not work with me despite me work ethic in the past with helping them get good grades. The teacher made me do a project with the people sitting next to me not long before where I was just about the only one doing the work and the teacher himself said that I held the group on my shoulders. They still didn’t care, I even smiled and tried to look as appealing as possible. The decided not to want me to work with them. I was alone again. This made me really sad once again. It made me feel like shit. It made me feel like I couldn’t do anything at all. Like I wasn’t even wanted. I then did probably my most defining moment in my life, I thought to myself during my lunch period as I sat alone(as I have done for the past 4 years) and thought fuck them. I’m gonna be who I want to be and the only person who can have an impact on that is one that I let have an impact on it. I opened my notebook, grabbed my pencil and drew. I drew my pain away, drawing beautifully realistic portrait of one of my favorite musical artists. I then didn’t care what anyone thought and drew it all day during my free time. I felt good doing it. I felt soo good, and I get even better that I wasn’t afraid to do it in public(my anxiety was so bad that any sort of expression of personality had been blocked off in public environments for the fear of not being accepted). I did it. Then I did it again the next day, and the next. I didn’t care what people thought, things started getting better. I found a passion, I stopped doing drugs, I had a plan for myself. My plan was that I would make the next few months of my life(until I turn 18) complete fucking hell, and not just that, I would learn to love it. I have never been more inspired to do something and never had something ever been so hard. I know it will get hard, but when I get through the hard times it will make everyday life easier, I will learn to love to live again one day at a time. I will learn to breathe again. I will be reborn, because while you might not be able to change your situation, you can change the way you shape your life because of it. I will become a happy person, I will make my dreams come true, I will do it, I FUCKING WILL. Times will get tough, times will get so fucking tough, but that is NOTHING compared to the FUCKING pain that I have already gone through and that does not matter to me at all. I don’t care how hard it fucking gets I will do it. I will do it. I will do it. I will do it. I will do it. I DEFINITELY FUCKING DO IT. I will make my life better, and people will start liking me when it does. I will no longer be alone and everything will get better. I will make it, I’m not going to fucking fail because failure is not a fucking option. I was going to kill myself, I was sure of it, so I am taking that and putting into my motivation to change. I was going to kill myself, so I fear nothing, I fear nothing, failure is not a fucking option. I will do it. I WILL DO IT. There is nothing that anyone in the world could say to discourage me right now, or ever. If I can imagine it it’s possible for myself, and I deserve it. I deserve to be able to live comfortably for once in the longest fucking time. I deserve it and I WILL FUCKING DO IT.