Someone to Mourn

Date: 4/14/2017

This was again a sleep where my dreams were vague and remained out of my grasp on waking, but I wanted to record it because it is relevant. And highly remarkable. I'm starting a practice of dreaming with intent, the idea being when you go to drop off to sleep you have a question and ask your dreams to give you an answer. I did this, not expecting it to work right away. I fell asleep in an odd mood, utterly exhausted but sad beneath the exhaustion. I didn't know why so I asked my dreams to show me. I didn't want to wake up in the same mood, but I also didn't want to abandon the sadness. (I'm also practice staying with emotions, even the nasty ones, and not reaching for more positive emotions like a bandaid.) What I received was a vague dream of a girl(me) building a mausoleum underground in black and white checkerboard pattern. But the dream was too whispy and ephemeral to grasp properly. I didn't receive words. In the dream I asked what this meant and received the odd answer. "I want someone to Mourn." I immediately knew it was different from wanting some to love or have company. There were a few things I also received but forgot. I do recall seeing this odd creature, it was like a ball of light with a face and so the thinnest spider leg/arms a neck of them, like 18 in a bunch beneath it. It was crawling around beneath the gravestones. However, while my answers weren't recalled I woke up feeling revitalized, as if I spent a good time healing. I even woke up with lots of willpower? It don't known if that's the right way to phrase it. Like I was ready to tackle the world. Which was actually the real question beneath my original question, "Why am I so apathetic?" This makes me wonder if my dreaming is changing somehow? Maybe I should stop trying to control so much of my dreaming process and let it work naturally. Just thoughts.