Dream Journal Ultimate
Date: 4/25/2017
By Kazuko
(Multiple dreams were being dreamt this day. The other isn't as dramatic and is more difficult to remember so I'll leave it at that.) I sat on the carpet feeding some kind of small koi a large amount of little deceased animals. I don't understand why.. At first it was fine and normal, similar to feeding a frog small insects and watching it eat. The odd part was that I wasn't the one feeding it, something else was dropping the animals in but carefully. Everything took a turn when I watched a tiny hairless kitten get dropped in. I guess that I was letting go of the deceased animals by feeding them to the fish since I felt my heart drop there. Then I noticed another small dead fish that was placed in there move. It started breathing faintly and moving slowly as it regained it's abilities. And so did every other 'dead' animal that was put in there. I stared in shock as everything began trying to swim in the water (which was only about three inches deep), only to have the carnivorous fish attack them. I didn't think it would do much at first, only suck on their skin for a second before swimming away and waiting until they rot. I was so, SO wrong.. Of course it ended up swimming to the kitten, whom was so small, thin, and frail. With it's legs stretched out vertical, it was as big as my ring finger. The koi swam around it, sucking on it's hairless skin before I suddenly heard a crunch. The kitten moved it's mouth, yet no sound came out. As it tried to swim away from the fish, a chunk of it's own skin ripped off into the fish's mouth. I felt sick. Previously when the animals started moving, I was going to get the kitten out. But this.. I was so sorry. It felt as if something was preventing me from getting anything out of the aquarium. Like invisible hands were holding me away from it, yet forcing me to stare at it. The kitten squeaked soundlessly again, trying to swim away from the fish. I could feel tears welling up in my eyes as I watched it struggle against the water. I wanted to help it so badly.. Even if it was a slim chance, I couldn't watch.. "Look Away" A voice said as something held onto both sides of my head, forcing me to turn my view to the right. It felt like hours went by as my other dream took place in my mind. I had somehow managed to calm down between dreams. Just as I took a deep breath, whatever held my head turned it back to the tank. The kitten was STILL alive. It had so many chunks of flesh hanging from it's body, yet it wasn't bloody. It was like peeling skin off of cooked chicken, the insides being slightly different colored and smooth. It also reminded me of cleaning a skull; having to pull off left over tissue from the bone? Yet it was a light purple/pink color. This went on and off; going to the fish ripping the kitten's skin, and back to my other dream. Finally, I forced myself to stand up as it went back to this dream. I looked down at the kitten, seeing if it had any fight left. Little, thin legs pushed against the water. I panicked, putting a hand in the tank and grabbing the kitten. But the hands were not mine, for I kept standing above the aquarium. The kitten was held upward, out of the water. It looked up at me, an odd look as it mewed soundlessly again. Plunk The hands dropped the kitten, hitting it against a rock that sat in the water. The kitten looked as if it screamed though still no sound came of it. The fish only swam around the rock, waiting for the tiny feline to plummet off into the water. My mind began racing as my emotions mixed together. Sadness, anger, guilt, all at the same time. I felt so bad that 'I' dropped it, so angry that I didn't take it out sooner, and so guilty that I let it all happen. "Look away." My head moved again, though this time I stayed in this dream. My eyes stared off into space, which happened to be a chair that was in the room. From where I sat I could see the light from a window just a little bit away. A whole day went by as I stared at the chair. "You can save it." No, I can't. Haven't I done enough? "It isn't dead." All I would be able to do is put it out of it's misery. "Look back." I turned my head back. I did. My eyes landed on the kitten. It still struggled against the water. Tears began building in my eyes as I knelt down to the aquarium, picking it up from the water. It lay in my hand. Small holes were in it's skin, going through the whole layer and to his innards. This is where my brain calmed down on gore. It looked up at me, mewing silently again. I looked down at the holes. Tiny, rainbow assorted, neon pebbles slowly fell out. I believe that was my brain's version of organs in that moment. I began to panic again. What is this? What did I do? What CAN I do?! If I had no name What would you call me? Who would I be? Would I mean anything? These words resided through my head as the kitten weakly stared up at me. "Mew." It lay it's head on my palm as more pebbles began spilling out. I could feel tears racing down my cheeks as I held the dying feline. "No.. I.. I'm so sorry.." I muttered, feeling the familiar tensity in my throat as I held in my whimpers. The kitten suddenly went still, going limp in my hand. I continued to cry, holding it closer.