Love or Lust? | Long Read

Date: 2/20/2017

I guess it started with me going to the bathroom. I was just minding my own business and there was a guy in the stall next to me minding his. He was taking a leak but I noticed he was taking unusually long. The first thing that went through my histrionic mind was that he was waiting for me, that he wanted something. He kept in the stall until I flushed the toilet, after which he went on to wash his hands. At the sinks he was taking an oddly long amount of time as well, which strengthened my thoughts. I was almost trying to hurry up because I semi-wanted it to be true, that there was this very horny man waiting for his next target. He was about to leave I think when I opened my stall door and he saw me, and he saw how attractive I was. He stopped. He just stared at me, and he was a very handsome guy. He was hispanic with skin that could be mistaken for a tan white man, he had light brown hair and a short, well-groomed light brown beard, with well-fitted clothes, dark, piercing brown eyes, and a brooding look to his face. Probably about an inch or two shorter than me, but still devilishly handsome. I smiled at him and he smiled back. He started walking back towards the stall all while maintaining half eye-contact with me. He didn't make any specific hand gestures but I guess his body language was signaling for me to come with him. He was smiling. It was very similar to how Wilson, a boy I made out with in a bathroom stall in real life, walked back towards the stalls in a movie theatre on our first date, but I wasn't thinking about that. I knew what was about to happen. He closed the stall door and after that is a bit of a blur. I don't remember exactly what happened but when I think about it I can definitely feel a certain feeling. I don't know what that feeling is, if it's love or lust, if I'm feeling with my chest or my dick. I know we didn't have full-on sex. It didn't get to that point, but I know he completely deepthroated my cock, while licking my balls too, and it felt a world's better than any blowjob I've felt in real life. I don't know what that means. Afterwards we got pretty close, I remember running around my school looking for the nearest bathroom to have another sexual adventure. Again, is this love or lust? Only reading this entry you could easily say this was just lust, but when I think back to this handsome mystery man I felt feelings that weren't only preoccupied in sexual relations. It was something much, much deeper than that, and although we had just met, I felt as though I'd known him for years. Which brings me to question whether or not he's supposed to represent somebody who already exists in my life. Do I have these feelings for anybody in my life right now, where I'm conflicted between the ideals of love and lust, either because of who he is or how long I've known him? I think I might. Now typically my dreams are fairly jambled and don't make much chronological or realistic sense, so I'll try to rearrange some things that happened in order to place them into logical sense of occurrence as well as omit some details that I believe were too random to have any actual significance. During the relations with this man, I was having relations with others as well. Two other incidents, two black men. Not at the same time though, no. I remember a man about half a foot taller than me, nice lean muscular build, rugged, masculine, lightskin dark, with a huge package. Think Shemar Moore but even more attractive. He idolized pretty much all the superficial qualities I desire in a man. It was a similar setting, a bathroom stall. I remember sucking him off. I was able to take all of him, and he was moaning--It was euphoric. The other was a sports coach that was in some sort of stall, though not a bathroom stall, next to me. I'm not understanding the significance of stalls in this dream. I slipped under the divider and seduced him. He asked of my age and I didn't give him a direct answer, but he understood I was under 18--though he didn't care at that point, as I was rubbing my near-naked body against his. I almost had him in my mouth when I was caught in the act by my handsome mystery man. We shared a look of contempt and anger before he simply walked out. I don't know why I was upset with him. Somehow I knew he was going to start spreading rumors now of me being a whore, that I slept around, and was unfaithful. This isn't true but in this scenario I guess it was. We grew a hatred for each other, more him towards me than me towards him because somewhere I still loved? him. He brought a gun to school at some point, shooting five of my friends and almost me. I survived and he didn't; I don't know if I killed him, this part is blurry. I had to jump for some reason into deep water in order to escape the room I was in and get to safety. Upon falling into the deep water I realized I had no arms anymore. Swimming upwards to the air would be a great challenge. This part I saw from a third person's perspective. It was a very heavenly scene. The water was a gradient of crystal blue and there was light shining downwards unto me, almost beckoning for me and rooting me on to keep swimming and make it to where I could breathe again. I felt like I had a whole audience watching, and I almost ran out of air, but I made it. I finally made it to the top, and when I filled my lungs with air again the feeling was encumbering, like a powerful orgasm, but without sexual connotation. I almost heard a crowd cheering. After this I don't remember anything else. Maybe there wasn't anything else. This abrupt ending could either be seen as a cliffhanger with no ending, or the scene with the water could be perceived as the metaphorical resolution to the story. But whatever metaphor my subconscious is trying to convey, I don't know yet. Some random details I didn't include were the fact that I spoke to my mystery man through a camera instead of a phone, and that I drove to his trailer home in a self-driving car going 90mph. I don't know if these mean anything. I don't think they do. At the end of the day one thing holds true still, and that's that this constant internal struggle of trying to figure out whether my feelings for certain men are love-based or lust-based are very real. It keeps happening and it plagues me. It also doesn't help that I'm very young, and I've never been in love before, so I have no point of reference to relate to. When I think of these men in my life, and the men in my dreams, am I only thinking of the sexual fantasies I have with them, of how I could get into bed with them next and what would happen, or am I thinking of something truly deeper than that? I wish I knew how to figure this out. On a side note though, I've realized that when I awake from having a dream like this, where I was possibly in love, I feel terribly sad. Am I feeling sad because I'm not in love in real life, and this is my subconscious' way of trying to tell me this? Is that the answer to my question? The feelings I have towards the men in my life are truly lust-based, and this is proven by the fact that I get depressed upon awakening from dreams of being in love? It could be. To end this long entry on a simple note, I'm troubled. I'm very very troubled. I really think I felt something with that handsome boy from my dreams.