What you feel you want can be wrong.

Date: 8/29/2019

I was living with a new family in the city. Kinda outskirts of the city rather. It was and wasn't nice. They did leave me alone, as I wanted to be alone so desperately, but they left me too alone. I don't think it was what I needed. I was in a room alone for a long time. They pushed in food prepared. I grew more and more depressed. I had a trouble with shoes and understanding. I don't know how it happened but I accidentally got lost in the city. I walked out of the house one day, not far and I'm really not sure why, but I got picked up by a train involuntarily and then another train or bus and suddenly I was stranded in the city. Without shoes? Or with white sneakers over slippers... I don't recall which but the shoes were important as was the lack of shoes at one point. What it really meant was that I was helpless I didn't know the new number. We had just moved. I wasn't even sure is recognize the house once I got to the street, if I ever got to the street. I didn't know anyone's phone number, didn't have a phone on me. Nothing. I only barely knew the general direction and even then, barely. It would mean walking for a very long time. An old lady found a stray kitten which had a collar that had gotten out. She sat on a park bench knitting talking about how when she left she'd get him home. I wished she'd help me. I didn't feel comfortable talking to people so I didn't ask, I just felt helpless. I did end up following a woman, dressed kinda causal, to a train station. I did eventually get home but it was a harrowing experience. No one noticed I was gone the entire time. That was the worst of it. I was determined to learn to drive. I was afraid of cars and driving but I knew now I needed to know what I was doing so I'd never get stranded again. It had been horrible. I decided to put all my effort into learning how to drive. This time it would be my idea. ~ There was a girl who was my best friend or supposed to be. We were inseparable or we were going to be. But it wasn't there yet. This home, same dream same family now a different home and personality, this home was fancy and wealthy. The people were snobby and acted differently. Parent s wanted things down a certain way. Company was kept in the parlor all together and you spoke up when you talked. My mother was there, sitting to my right, very felt in my energy. She listened to the parents too, a supplicant in their household. She was very much felt, recognized, by me. I realized she was better than any girlfriend I had ever sought out, what I'd been seeking in then was her. Not her, per se, not her personally but the things I felt when with her. Safety. Quiet. Silence. It was like escaping into an empty room or under your bed covers. It was better than the real world. I needed that anchor, had been searching for it. She was like a wife was supposed to be, haven so yoh could go out and explore the world freely and come back and still feel safe. I felt bizarrely I'd find a wife like her. But there were aspects of her I didn't like. Passivity. Weakness. Fragility. She didn't embrace or love, she subsumed herself for the presence of another to be felt. Negative associations I felt, making me feel bad because subconsciously I must have been looking for those too. Or embodying them. Or both. Meaning I was looking for safety in the wrong place, my associations with it were wrong. She might have felt like home, been a relief to be around, but in essence it was a toxic dynamic. And I was made the aggressor when around her, the masculine energy, and therefore cruel. Or I took on her energy making the other automatically cruel. My definition of safety was wrong. The family went on to practice a play they were going to out on. The father directed. He wore a sweater vest and spoke in a rich affected bored way. He directed some girl in a tufu to be 'whipped' by another girl. She did so but seemed as bored as he was, didn't even try to act, just sat there and the 'wjipping' was all play. It made me mad, she could act it out, it would be easy. The other girl was sorta acting. She'd fallen over at least and was trying. But I knew why she didn't, she was uncomfortable and covered it up by disinterest.