Birthday blues (not a dream)

Date: 12/19/2018

I feel alone when i wake up. I hate my existence again. My insecurities took over me this morning. I have nightmares of people doing drive bys at my house. I don’t want people to shoot me, i want to do it myself. I don’t trust anyone. I don’t even want to tell people about my emotions. My life is so small in the scheme of things. I just turned 23 today and i’m scared about my future and the reality of my current life. I don’t trust my gf of 4 years at all. I want to end myself tonight or smoke some shit until i’m too gone to breathe. I made it this far but I won’t be here forever.