If only i knew

Date: 11/8/2018

Its confusing. I dreamed a young girl, who i was friends with at school, going through suicidal thoughts. I knew her so well, her smile always brought joy to my heart. She seemed so perfect like fear and sorrow wasnt in her. Little did i know she was going through depression and felt empty in her heart. You wouldn’t be able to tell what she ls battling when shes in public around my friends or others. I sometimes wonder if her smile was forced to be shown when we ran into each other. Still, i felt confused. the day i walked outside of the school, being a bad student by sneaking out, my body froze and i was in shock. i couldnt move. a dead girls body layed flat on the concrete floor with a broken neck and a cracked open skull spewing blood. I was scared. My body cringed and i hid my neck in my shoulders as i slowly walked toward the body to see who it was, hoping it wasn’t who i thought it was. Unfortunately it was the girl i knew. The one i remembered smiling from a corny joke and laughing so hard, blood rushed to her face to cause drips of tears spill from her eyes. My knees feel to the floor and i reached over to roll over her body and close her eyes. still in shock, i felt guilt heavily increased on my back, the lower i bent down. “I have to stand up,” i thought. I need to get help. I ran back through the doors i came from, and i had so much anxiety and fear, my breath tore in my throat as i ran though the halls, acting as if i dont know my way around. I spotted an administrator but when i reached her i couldnt speak. As much concern and empathy her face showed, my eyes widen and i just turned away and waved my hand back to get her to follow me. We reached back to the spot and her body still laid their, not moving a muscle, just dried up blood on the concrete and in parts of her hair that swiftly lifted up from the breeze. Hours later, not knowing how, i grieved. I reminisced our bond we had through the deep conversions about our lives and the struggles we went through . When we talk, she would bring up her dreadful past, a place that left a mark on her character and in her perspective on life. her disconnection with her parents, her desire of lust towards her boyfriend, who she sleep with every weekend, all crashed on her at once. It brought emptiness in her heart. She directly told me she was happy for me to be in her life. I questioned about her health and mental illness and she said “ oh don’t worry about that i be okay”. I replied,” are u sure, your scaring me here’”. She gave a smirk and nodded for reassurance that shes okay. I asked her how does she deal with those issues? I mean if i was in that situation i would be lost. She paused for a moment, starred out at the window that showed a garden of autumn trees, then turned to me with a smile and said a quote that still to this day i will never forget when i think of her monotone voice,” i mean...you know, it be like that sometimes”.