Agony

Date: 4/23/2019

I rarely dream about my boyfriend and I don’t know why. But today I just woke up so panicked and disoriented after the worst vivid dream about him. The dream all started off with me, at “home” (never seen this house before) in my room, sitting on my bed half crossed-leg, with the other leg dangling off the side, my laptop on the bedsheets in front of me. I had decided to enrol in a new course called Social Work. I have no idea what it was truly about, but it looked like an easy GPA boost. Shortly afterwards I was watching a YouTube video and some guy was chatting about picking courses that have meaning and not just going for the easy stuff (I guess this is because I read something similar before bed). And I panicked! I tried to unenroll, but stopped myself. I thought to myself that it would be fine; I was already taking on subjects in social science (I only take a minor in International Relations so idk this thought process). So I left it be and went off to campus (as it was suddenly the next day now). It’s like my brain took the Griffith and the UQ campuses and somehow smushed it all into one campus, so now there’s stairs randomly jutting out all over the place. But I proceeded to some very concrete (and unpainted) buildings; its cement floors were cracking but not so seriously that it felt like the place was about to fall apart. I found my class and the other students were pretty friendly and I was getting on well with many of them before the class had even started. Then our teacher, a gruff, white-haired man stepped in and commenced the class. Immediately after the syllabus, I was panicking inside because this course made no sense. The guy moves on, takes us on a field trip through campus (heading to some nearby suburb) yapping on about “being aware of your surroundings”, “ensure good footing” and “you’ll never pass this course if you’re not always aware of your surroundings!” It was the weirdest course ever. We’re traipsing around in this suburb when I split off and head towards a bakery where I would be meeting my friends (they’re twins). We’re talking, catching up and looking around. There was a joint café inside and we wanted to buy our bread or cakes before we grabbed a spot to sit down and then order drinks. I was milling around the entrance, looking at all the pastries and meat buns, when my ex-boyfriend walks in (he’s my current bf irl though). I’m a bit surprised, but I had just dumped him about a week ago, so I maintained politeness and friendliness. I was waiting for him to ask for me back really though. It’s like it was all worked out in my dream self’s stupid head: I’d break it off, shatter his heart, we’d both get a break from each other, then he’d ask for me back. I look back on that now in pure wtf-were-you-thinking aggravation! But just as the word “hi” leaves my lips, he holds the door and in flounces this woman with dark-red hair. She wasn’t drop dead gorgeous and I didn’t feel inferior in looks then (although I definitely do now). She looked like your average nerdy red-head in a t-shirt and jeans; heaps energetic, bubbly and constantly cracking jokes. They said hi to me and strode on in, making lively conversation with the twins. Seeing them together made me hurt. I was so devastated, but kept composure. We ordered food and coffee (just a small frothy matcha latte for myself) and sat down at a bench table. Sitting across from them I could see how happy they were. They looked good together. I was seething inside —seething, but crying. They paid no heed to me and my stoic face though. When they’d finished, they said their good byes and got up and left. The twins seemed oblivious to my turmoil, and I tried hard to keep it together until we mutually parted. I headed home. I sat down at the dining table and barely said hi to my stepdad who was on the couch. I scrolled through social media and stared at their happy couple videos. They joked around heaps and seemed so full of joy. I was breaking down inside, panicking, wondering how long it would take for them to break up. Should I wait it out? Watch him have his fun until they got over each other? What if he doesn’t tire of her? Would I accept him back after he was done fucking with someone else?? No, that sounded disgusting. That sounds like I’ve lost. I couldn’t stand the idea of them together. I messaged him. (It was more like a sending a video recording). “You seem really happy together.” “We are.” (He includes her smiling face in the video). “Do I not mean anything to you anymore?” “Why’re you asking this now?” (Smug look on his face as he lounges on his bed). “This hurts.” I wasn’t sure how my face looked in my video recordings. Probably emotionless. I didn’t receive a response back. I was shattered, sobbing and crying. It was like the time he had dumped me back in 2017. I was livid, but also terribly heartbroken that I just cried super hard. I got up from the table and grabbed the red receiver off the wall phone. I hadn’t even dialled yet and I just sobbed out loud, “I can’t do this, please take me back.” Those words, even though I hadn’t conveyed them to him yet, hearing them out loud made me feel even more pathetic. And I wailed louder. My stepdad asked me who I was speaking to, and all I could choke out was “no one”. I snapped awake still feeling desperate and broken. This has honestly been the worst dream of the year (so far).