Faded Insecurities

Date: 8/27/2016

So it was the first day of school or so, and it was a generally normal day, what'd you would normally expect from a first day. However, this was different. XXX was still teaching. So of course this made me really happy. However, she said that it was only for a few days more or so; nonetheless an emotional rollercoaster. To preface, she left the school to begin homeschooling her son. She told the class that the school basically cut her paycheck because of how she helped out students in her XXX class, which was determined as cheating. I felt bad for her because she really wanted to homeschool her son. So that's that. We went through our first day, we did introductions and an assignment that involved hobbies and interests. We left the class as a group for some reason, and came back while working on it. It was at this point she started a lecture on something I don't remember. But it made me cry. I don't know why, but the feelings of sadness felt so real. I genuinely missed her as a teacher, and seeing as to how it seemed like she wasn't interested in talking to me again... my heart just broke. I felt like it was my fault for thinking like that. I'm sitting in the back of the room trying to hide my tears, but to no avail, someone calls me out, "anon is crying!" Everybody looks, and I decide it's best for me to go to the restroom. I pretty much wanted to go cry in a restroom stall for the rest of the day. So I leave the classroom and begin walking towards a restroom. Nothing much happens. I get to the restroom and for some reason, the restrooms are very weird. All the toilets sit outside of their stalls, preventing entry into the stall. So that idea of crying away didn't work out. So I just start to walk out still feeling defeated. Weird thing is, girls and boys restrooms were connected. They had the same setup where you have to sit on a toilet outside the stalls. Whatever. It's at this point that I'm feeling like shit, and continue walking back. I just want someone to talk to. Walking back to the class, I notice that the classrooms are much different from XXX, almost modern buildings that look sleek and clean. But aside from that, I get pretty close back to the classroom. Someone chilling outside XXX's classroom saw me and asked me what my obvious sadness was about. We talked about it, and I expressed my feelings towards XXX as a teacher, and this woman understood. The woman I talked to felt very welcoming, and she gave me the confidence to tell her my plights. "What period is your class with her?" I point to the door. "Woah! Hurry up then, you only have a minute left." So I walk inside, and everyone is packing their bags, getting ready to leave the class. I go to my part of the room, still feeling hesitant to go up to her. However, it's some random part of me that just urges me to go to her. and so I did. I went up to her and asked for a hug. It felt so real. I don't know why, but my real feelings felt so real. I WAS HAPPY. It's incomprehensible, but I felt as if this actually happened. We hugged and hugged, so I asked her, "Old students can still talk to you, right?" She replied, "Of course! I love you all as my students!" I felt so happy. Hugging her made me feel warm inside, and it felt as if closure was given in the best way. Her hug made me feel amazing inside. But then comes the point where I wake up. It wasn't real.