Cez Presents: Skeezy Pete

Date: 8/31/2019

By Yurilolita

So I dreamt that my mom was rushing out of the house And wanted me to walk my dog that morning After a long walk, we descended up the elevator, we went in with an Asian American mother, pushing a well stocked stroller. However, when she exited on the 6th floor, she left her stroller, with her infant inside of it. I called out to her as the doors closed, but she was so distracted with opening her apt. door that she could not here me. *ascended We stayed on the elevator as the baby cried, and waited patiently for the elevator to descend again. A blonde woman a similar age got in from the 32nd floor and clicked for the lobby. I clicked the 6th floor and waited, until the doors open and I hurried to push the pram out of the elevator, dropping my pup's leash in the process. The blonde called for my attention, yet I was so anxious to get the baby to his mother that I no longer noticed her calls. I knocked on the door. My neighbor opened it, looking startled but relived. "I'm so sorry," she started, frazzled. "I never usually do that. I've got such a migraine, and my heads somewhere else!" "I can see that!" I smiled. "Please take care of yourself!" "Thank you so much! I owe it to you." The elevator dinged and the blonde lady I was riding the elevator previously marched in, leash in hand. "Excuse me? I think you forgot something!" My pup came dashing in. "Zeus!! Oh thank you so much! We were just saying it's been a very forgetful day today. It must be the weather. Or the zodiac? The stars must not be in line!" "Two missing in one day! How crazy is that!" The lady from 6E laughed. "I'm Amie, by the way." "Kelsey," the blonde stated. "Hey, I think we're neighbors. I live in Apt 6A." Kelsey looked sheepishly back at me. "Actually, I take care of an elderly gentleman on the 32nd floor too." "Neat! It's nice meeting you both!" I talked to Amie and Kelsey a bit more, and soon we were good friends! Amie had to excuse herself because the baby needed to be fed, but before she left, Kelsey invited both of us to a party at her place tomorrow. "I wanted to throw a big bash with my old college roommates," Kelsey admitted. "But not many could attend. I dunno, The headcount was initially 50, and now it's like, 25?" She sighed. "But with some new faces, maybe you two could liven up the party a bit! I probably went too all out for this one. I even hired a performer? There will be drinks, trust me." And so, we both agreed. I was nervous though Amie and Kelsey were both so stylish and in their mid 30's, I wondered how I'd fit in. The day of the party had arrived. I had looked at plenty of Instagram profiles of what to wear and I was ready. When I came in, it took a little bit for the crowd to warm up. Most of the people were married with kids, or divorced professors. They sloshed down drinks and bantered about Westchester's increased property tax. I got flirted on once or twice by the crusty ones, but that was the only real conversation I got. I awkwardly twirled my icy margarita in one hand, and stayed in the darkest corner possible I was glad that the party was a successful turnout. And then the entertainer arrived. At first I thought he was a puppet, but I could not identify any strings attached. His noodle legs barely braced the floor and his arms bonelessly flopped about. I thought, perhaps he was an entertainer in a suit, but there was no way that his legs were humanly possible. He looked like a bootleg version of Grover and Kermit combined. He introduced himself as "Skeezy Pete" He looked sort of like this: Kelsey laughed. "Idk, does he look too silly? He kinda looks like he should be in kids birthdays. The guys at work said they loved this guy at their lunch in! And he had good yelp reviews about his magic tricks." Kelsey shrugged sipping her drink through a straw. Amie whispered back. "OMG where'd you get this guy?" Mr. Skeezy or Skeezy Pete started out with Comedy sketches. Each act was crude or raunchy, like a family guy humor at best, but he had the audience on its toes. The old guys laughed and clinked back drinks, occasionally spilling some on the floor with raucous applause. I looked to Amie after Skeezy Pete said something stereotypical about Asian driving that even made me very uncomfortable, but to my surprise she had went along with the skit. I grunted, and considered discussing about it later with her. As people started to leave and the rowdy crowd started to get thin, Skeezy Pete pulled out a mysterious black box and assured it was apart of his "final performance". The muppet gathered the remaining crowd, to Kelsey's delight, outside to play a game with him. "READY KIDDOS! You LIKE GAMES!?? Who WANTS TO DO A LITTLE GAME WITH ol' SKEEZY PEETE?" He asked for a volunteer and Kelsey pushed through the crowd. After much of her pleading, he brought her up in front to the crowd and asked her what kind of animal she would like to be. "Oooh a horse, a horse!" She cooed. "I always imagined I'd be a horse in like a different life." "Hmmm, ok. I'll make you a dog. Because you've always been a BITCH. AM I RIGHT GUYS????" The men laughed and cheered with applause as the women of the group shifted uncomfortably. Kelsey slowly transformed into a golden retriever with little shades perched on her head. "ANYONE ELSE WANTS TO GO?" The muppet shook his body in delight. The group ooohed and ahhed and pushed to be next. I waited uncomfortably last, wondering how it was possible but suspended my reality for the sake of the show. I looked down at my phone a couple times wondering if I should go home. 12:30. It all reminded me of something I had read but I couldn't remember what. Eventually it was my turn. "Ok hot stuff, what will it be?" "Excuse me?" "YOU HEARD ME. You waited in line at the end like a good little whore for ol SKEEZY PETE. YOU GET THE BITS" Skeezy Pete pointed to his non existent junk and humped the air. "So what do you want?" "I would like to um. Be a platypus. If you can." "Hm. Platypus. Yeah, I could do that. Nice choice kid. ONE PLATYPUS COMING RIGHT UP!" I felt my limbs shrink and contour, disfiguring me. I was finally marsupial sized. I was super sore and in pain, and felt all of it. But I had a nagging feeling about this. I didn't trust Skeezy Pete. I don't trust most talking alive muppets, but there was something about him I disliked even more than his humor. By this time, everyone was transformed into an animal. "ALRIGHHHT EVERYONE! ARE YOU ALL READY TO PLAY?? THIS GAME IS CALLED TIMES UP! JUST LIKE TAG, or HIDE AND SEEK! EASY? I'll give you an amount of time to hide and I'll use the same amount of time to find you! Hey- I'll even give AND, TO TOP IT OFF, you GET To USE YOUR SUPER ANIMAL ABILITIES TO WINNNNNNN-NAH! ALL YOU NEED TO DO IS..... survive." "AREEEEE YOU READY LADIES AND GENTS???!?! THREE, TWO! ONE! GO." A starting gun shot off as the muppet cackled impishly. I knew I had more advantages than the rest. For starters, I knew more about the landscape than others. Then there were more physical attributes. A platypus can climb. A platypus can hide. A platypus can sting. A platypus could swim. Whatever he was planning I was ready for it. For the start, I camouflaged my new scent with the scent of street rats and squirrels. I hid quietly at the starting line as much larger animals jumped and dodged into the thicket. I watched Skeezy Peete from afar, as he fiddled with his black stage box. From the box, he released a wolf- no, this thing was big and nasty. With glowing eyes and red fur. Something unreal. A hellhound. It growled and snapped as Pete hummed and pointed to the forest. The beast growled and slowly approached my hideout. A rabbit cried out a human gasp and scampered out of hiding. "Nonononono," it whispered running. There was a whimper and a loud snap, as it's head dripped blood from the creature's mouth. The beast snarled, but the scent of the rabbit was so close to me that it masked the scent. The hound left the corpse behind and dashed into the underbrush. I heard screams, some animal, some human cries as I cautiously hid under a rock, not saying a peep. Slowly, less and less sounds of terror occurred. The hellhound passed me several times, however I remained unfound. Suddenly, I was fading away, disappearing. I was now face to face with Pete, in a group with terrified animals. Kelsey, looked traumatized. "WELL WELL WELCOME BACK FOLKS! CONGRATULATIONS TO OUR CONTESTANTS THAT SURVIVED. ROUND OF APPLAUSE EVERYONE! A seal spoke. "Um, could I go home? I'm uh, this isn't fun anymore." "NOPE! GET READY FOLKS FOR THE NEXT ROUND!" "GO." I scampered up Zeus's favorite squirrel tree and camouflaged scent. It was strenuous work for a creature my size, and hard for my muscles. But it would be unpredictable. I hid in the little hold and peaked out, but refused to move or breathe. As last time, I heard the gun shot and the beast dash towards the pond, with the monstrous screaming and crying that ensued. But I held my breath no matter what. Suddenly, I heard a twig snap and deep hollow breathing. I held my tongue trying not to scream. But curiosity got the best of me. I peered out of my hiding spot to see, a porcupine, gored and bloody. It was Amie. She was crying And spotted me. "You, you have to get out of here! Please! You have to save yourself!" I refused to speak but I nodded. "Are you ok?!? Can you speak?!?" "yes." I whispered. "Look, you have to get out of here. I already know. They've banded up and are killing each other before the hellhound gets to them." "NO, you, don't UNDERSTAND. I have to tell you- look it didn't make sense before. But I figured it out. I watched him- Skeezy Pete- SKEEZY PETE IS SATAN." "What?" I looked at the mutated cackling levitating, muppet. It wasn't hard to tell he was a dark entity. But the real deal? It was hard to process, even for me. But I couldn't argue now- he was definitely very powerful. I didn't feel it then but I definitely felt it now. Amie passed out in a bloody stupor and the ground warped. Reality stretched and bended as the laughter of Pete increased. The world became drowned in red and bright orange fur. And then I woke up.