Saddest dream EVER (for me)

Date: 12/13/2017

I was out completing some military training. It felt like I was out at Ft Sill, OK. Lots of red dirt and flat lands. Any who, we were working on, catching these birds? Yeah IDK. They looked kind of like doves. We were trying all types of tricks. Then one of my Soldiers used popcorn, and we were able to catch em. She did real well and was praised but my XO (who in reality they do have beef all the time) shut her down and started making changes about how we were going to conduct things. So of course they got into a heated debate. I told my Soldier not to sweat it. I started realizing that I was having contractions, (which in reality I'm pregnant) so I tried telling my XO I was going to have to leave to go to the hospital. She kept shutting me down saying the mission was more important. The next thing I know I gave birth. I was by myself and it was very fast, no pain. I was so overjoyed. But I kept thinking I have to complete this mission. So I stole a HMMV and drove to a nearby hospital. It was night time and empty, I thought maybe all the staff had left for the night. I placed my little girl in a small bin thinking they will see her in the morning and make sure she's ok (at this point I was not lucid and me watching myself and thinking WTF!!!) so I go back to the tent we were all sleeping in and it was already the next morning. We continue training and I'm really not paying any attention, because I can only focus on getting back to my baby. I realize my milk is not coming in, and I start to panic. I tell my XO I need to go and she begins telling me why I needed to stay. I ignore her and run out and steal another HMMV. As I'm leaving off post for some reason I feel I've lost my phone and wallet, they are checking ID'a as people leave post instead of coming on. I find both in my back pocket. I drive to the hospital, which seems to take forever, and I can't remember where the neonatal unit is. I'm in the part of the hospital that's for geriatrics. I ask a lady where the delivery unit is and she doesn't know. Then an Asian lady comes up to me, and directs me to follow her. Her English isn't so good. I get on an elevator and slip and fall. The floor for some reason is made of like an ice substance. So then when I get off on the floor for delivery, I see all these little babies everywhere. I start to feel relief and am looking around for my little girl. I go up to, what I assume is a CNA, and ask her where my baby is. She looks at me awkwardly. I explain what I did and how I put her in the bin. She gives me a look of comprehension and tells me to follow her. She reaches underneath a floor board and pulls out a large black plastic bag. I look at her awkwardly and don't understand. She tells me, oh you might need to grab one too. Then it dawns on me...... I sputter out "she didn't make it" and she responds by just shaking her head with a look like I should've known that she wouldn't. I asked her how, and she resounds asphyxiation. I just begin running in a blur. I think this can't be right, I made sure she was comfortable, that the blanket wasn't on her face, that the bin was open, I wasn't gone that long..... I just begin bawling out in the middle of the street. I try to call my husband, but my mind is going in 9 million different directions I keep calling my own number. My oldest son picks up and he's high. I ignore it because I need to contact my husband. Then a man in a long tan trench coat walks by me, hands in his pockets and just looks back and stares at me..... I wake up....