Black Moped

Date: 12/30/2016

I get a black moped for Christmas. I drive it to Pennsylvania for a wedding rehearsal. I don't know who the wedding is for. I'm drinking excessive amounts of soda. There's a soda dispenser in my car behind the stereo face. I don't know how my car got to Pennsylvania. Anyways. I keep refilling and chugging the soda. It makes me feel drunk. It's time to leave. I get on my moped and head back home to Virginia. I get lost so I stop at a gas station. People are hanging out there and getting tattoos. There's no soda there but I keep looking and looking. Just alcohol. One of the employees gives me three weird shaped glass bottles of cider for free but he says that I owe him. I agree knowing I won't ever see him again and feel bad about it. I get all my things packed up in my backpack and put my purple scarf and plaid jacket on. It seems to take forever. I feel drunk from the cider. I debate if I should drive. I go outside and a man tells me to say GO COWBOYS! I say WE DEM BOYS! and he smiles. Another man offers his beanie to me, it was Redskins. I was going to take it but there was a hornet on it so I threw it. I look over and there's a huge hive with hornets all around. Then I notice tarantulas and centipedes crawling everywhere so I run away to my moped. Against my better judgement I speed away. The road is icy so I'm slipping all around. I remember that I don't know how to get home. My GPS isn't working and I don't want to pull over to get my phone out of my backpack. So I'm driving around this town and I notice it's a bad area. Two black men walk in the middle of the road to try and stop me. I swerve and go off a ledge down a hill. It's still a road and I slip and crash. My moped crashes into the ground but somehow I keep flying through the air and land in a house. I check myself but have no injuries. I look around and there's a handful of people sitting in chairs and couches. No one notices me except a little child. I don't know if it's a boy or a girl. But a blonde woman walks in the room in a slinky robe. She asks me what the hell I was doing on her street. I tell her about being lost and crashing. She hugs me against her bosom and I see her boob. I'm immediately attracted to her. Even though I'm turned on I don't act on it. I get my phone to have someone pick me up. Brett, my boyfriend, didn't have a vehicle. He did not come to the wedding rehearsal with me. For some reason I call John, my ex to come get me. He asks if I'm ok and says he loves me. I hang up because I feel guilty and text him never mind. He keeps calling while I text Brett and it's messing up the phone. Brett asks if I'm ok and says he's coming to get me with a friend's car. I ask the blonde woman what the address is and she says she doesn't know and laughs. I like that for some reason. She looks up the address and tells me. I thank her as she smokes cigarettes and rubs her huge husband's belly. I ask myself why I'm turned on. In the middle of that thought I look over and a little boy points out to everyone that his pee pee turned into a finger. This little boy has a boner and I can see it through his pajama pants. I feel very uncomfortable to the point of anxiety and illness. I remember I feel drunk and don't want to be. Brett will get upset if he thinks I'm drunk. All the sudden my family pulls up in my grandparent's suburban. I wonder how they knew. I call Brett to tell him never mind. I get in the back and we drive past my crashed moped while cops and other people stare at it. We all act natural and let it go because there's no evidence that it's mine. On the way home we stop at a huge glass bridge over the ocean. I don't know why there's an ocean. But I'm walking across it and it's so beautiful. It's windy and I feel the sea breeze blow through metal grates throughout the bridge floor. Rachel, my sister, and I start sliding on our bellies on the glass and it gets super close to the clear blue water. I see killer whales below and get weary but still slide around having fun and avoid the large circle holes in the glass. She's more daring than me and I tell her not to go in the water but she does anyway. She's comes back up happy as ever at the thrill of it. We climb over a fence to go to a different section of the attraction where there are dolphins that you can feed and pet. All the sudden Rihanna comes up from under the water. She's beautiful and Rachel and I both remark on it. She doesn't speak. She's shiny and golden with bright red hair and her green eyes. She just smiles and goes back underwater. She wasn't swimming and I don't know where she went. We go to the dolphin hole and kids are all around. A fat dolphin with food all over his face comes up and the kids all throw food and squeak at him. He eats sloppily and goes back down in the water. I feel sad because the dolphin was sad. So I go over to find my family and all the sudden there's three little monkeys. They are dirty and scraggly but they are wearing awesome Patagonia socks. I offer a pair of new socks to a monkey for him to wear on his hands. He is very excited. The monkeys have tip baskets. A folded up hundred dollar bill falls out and my step dad is like whaaat. I want to steal it but I don't because I think hard about karma. END.