Relationship related dreams

Date: 9/6/2023

I have an really fucked up relationship situation that I’m in which causes me to have shitty dreams. longish back story on my boyfriend.. met him in a small town i moved to from the city, he lived across the road from me at his sisters place. when i was first getting to know people around the street i went to her party across the rd after my coworker introduced us and apparently i met him there (but i was wasted and didn’t remember) anyways fast track to 5months later he messages me on messenger saying hi after i had dropped some food off to the neighbours basically saying sorry for the disturbance that happened the night before lol he thanked me for the food and we started chatting - long story short we became regular fuck buddies. he would come over on the weekend or random times of the week he’d hit me up but i only used to like seeing him when i was drunk coz it gave me confidence 🤦🏽‍♀️ i was also sleeping with a couple of other guys but would prefer him because sex with him was the best. fast track a couple months later he stopped messaging me and went off social media, then one day he turned up to my house randomly at night and he looked fucked. we ended up having sex and he asked if he could stay. i let him and he ended up staying with me for 9months. during these 9 months we were still fuck buddies which i know is the stupidest thing ever of course there would be feelings hurt and it’s just a recipe for disaster. anyways during those 9 months we got to really know each other, we had sex a couple times a week, we were fully comfortable with eachother and i caught feelings hard. during this period he was still fucking his ex and another girl who i ended up befriending and i told her we weren’t together or having sex which i regret because it was a very snake like thing to do but i only did it because i knew they were having sex so i just lied and it turned into a huge lie where i couldn’t go back to telling her the truth because i dug myself into a big hole 🤦🏽‍♀️ anyways it was the hardest 9months ever, i couldn’t help but be hurt and jealous of these girls, i’d constantly cry about it, he would say we aren’t together all the time and it would be so hard to act like i was okay with that. it was very hard to be caught up on someone who considers you a friend but who you also live with, fuck and basically act like a couple anyways - like i’d cook for him, drive hun around, we’d share everything and i knew his whole family.. it was a fucked up situationship. so anyways this year end of may we got evicted for not paying rent and i had to get tf out asap. we ended up moving all my stuff to my mums but we couldn’t stay at my mums coz they didn’t want him there so we ended up staying at the girls house he was fucking (which he was only friends with as well) which was a crazy situation because we were still fucking as well on the dlow from her because i lied that i wasn’t fucking him 🤦🏽‍♀️ anyways while we were staying there she was getting jealous of our relationship friendship and it was causing a huge drama but me and him were so fucked up and didn’t have a place to stay and just kept fucking on the dlow and then one day him and her got into a huge fight in front of me and it was physical and we had to get out. during the whole period of getting kicked out up until staying at hers which was about over a month we kinda established that we were together and we would only be with eachother so when she told us to leave we ended up going back to my mums and i had to grovel to let him stay with me. from then on we were pretty much official and we’ve had so much talks about how we are together now and we will be loyal to each other and always have each others back. and now it’s been 3months and i’m fully in love with him and realising i finally got what i wanted which was to be with him fully, but at what cost? 😣 anyways the whole point of this fucked story is my stupid dreams. they’re mostly the same. i always have a dream where we’re happily together and then his ex comes into the picture and poof he’s back with her again. or i catch him talking to her or fucking her and then i’m just balling my eyes out and standing there heartbroken. these are my nightmares now. i’m so caught up in him that i don’t ever want him to cheat on me because it would actually kill me inside and i think it’s cause idk how to live with myself if this relationship doesn’t work out because of all the shit i’ve done and people i’ve fucked over because i chose every time. i’m so lost and so blinded by this relationship. he’s also a drug addict so there’s that 🤦🏽‍♀️ whoever actually reads this. i’m sorry you had to go through that mess 😭 yikes i hope no one reads this. it’s just basically me venting out my fucked up relationship.. anyways it’s 4:25am and i’m secretly writing this while he sleeps next to me. lord help me 🙏🏽🤦🏽‍♀️