Dream Journal Ultimate
Date: 4/12/2025
By precociousoceans
Me and me brother are outside, both trying to covertly pee onto my car, while in a public lot, by facing it and leaning our upper bodies into it. Casually chatting and relieving ourselves at the same time. I noticed the door was somewhat open by him and that he was actually peeing into the car. I got worried about the smell but found some humor in it and didn't actually get mad at him. Just pointed it out. I didn't want him to feel bad. We resumed. I think now with him using the outside of the car door he was next to. A young woman approached. We maintained as long as we could with the act. But when she started to get onto the other side of my car and it was clear she might catch onto what was happening if she looked through the windows, we shifted in embrassement to zip up. She didn't notice. We get back into my car, me in driver and him in passenger. Things feel maybe quiet but peaceful for me. I'm glad my brother and I are together. Suddenly, he pulls a gun from his side and shoots himself clear through the right side of his skull. I can see the exit wound on his left and hear the window crack beside me. He doesn't make out much sound, though I feel his facial expression is certainly somewhat confused or shocked, like he didn't actually expect it to happen. He is still, for a moment, and my mind is racing. Is there anything either of us can even do at this point? I'm in denial, and I start to say something, but he again manages to lift the gun to his head and fire again at somewhat controlled, but random, angles several more times. At this point I'm screaming "No!" and the woman who passed by earlier has rushed back after the final shot. Time is somewhat frozen. There still seems to be some light in his eyes. I can only ask him why. "I don't know" he says, with this slight shrug and wry smile. Just like he's done so many times before when he wants to be absurdly nonchalant about something he notices I'm having a heavy reaction to. Still screaming, begging for it not to be real, I wondered how much pain he was in to kill himself there in front of me. If that first shot was an accident, just darkly joking about it. If he finished it off because he knew the alternative would've likely been him mostly brain dead after that first shot anyway. Maybe the follow-up shots were his mind disconnecting from reality due to the trauma it had received. But if there was any real intention behind it at all, I just couldn't stand knowing that I could've tried harder to show I cared about him, or that it was ok to not feel like anything mattered for a while. End, wake up in a slight panic. This was all so incredibly graphic. The movie I just watched last night, Brawl in Cell Block 99, is definitely somewhat to blame for that. All the detail. I shortly cried for the first time in maybe a year as I typed this. My brother (and roommate), usually asleep till hours later in the day, got up to grab some water as I came out of the bathroom where I was typing this. I'd wiped the tears off my face at this point. "Hey", slight smile from me He said nothing and went back to his room. Very normal at this hour, the weekend just starting after his 10+ hour shifts... but I wish it made sense for me to follow and spend some time with him.