Being "Myself" Backfires

Date: 9/7/2019

I was at a party but I wasn't very interested in socializing. I felt like a kid at a party for adults, or I felt like the socially awkward one, or I felt like it was my birthday but no one showed up for me. No one was here to celebrate me, spend time with me, speak to me. They were all in a gaggle off by themselves. I felt lonely. I stayed a lot in the kitchen. I think I made a few things, nice sweets cakes for the party. A new person, a female, did take a shy interest in me. She came with someone else or for someone else and seemed nice and sweet. Strawberry wheat colored hair. We connected, like a spark flared between us. But I decided to be myself, let me be be the full me, weird warts and all. I had an issue, like multiple personalities but different slightly. I just suddenly was a different person, character wise, personality wise, but I was as always conscious of it, I knew the change would happen. I didn't forget myself, I didn't believe some drivel about being a different person, I just let the new self be when it needed to be. And the personalities which came out were full fledged people too, with wants and dreams and hopes of their own, but also me. It was nice to let them out, but they were so jarring it left others feeling scared and leaving. This time I let one out. This was me. I was being honest. I decided to let her see straight away who I was. There was a lot of me. After that she didn't know what to make of me. She was weirded out, polite, she still liked me, but she didn't persue conversation with me at the party anymore and she felt odd, off. Soon after she left. I went after her for a minute, walked to talk and convince her of something. It didn't work and she kept leaving. I lost track of her and she left off down the street. I got to a busy intersection but then I lost her. Then I realized I was chasing and stopped. I didn't chase people. I learned long ago to stop chasing. It never worked. ~ Me and a black girl who was close to me, close like a lover or close like a twin or close like a second skin, were in a store. It was a party store. It was connected to the last dream, same person, different event. I was shopping for my party, or something. I was with others, a group, but they had gone on ahead. I felt very very young, even if it was in an adult body. I felt like a child, there were so many childish things I love in both the party store (and maybe at the party from before) pastel toys, pony plush I took a shine, a huge plush egg shaped Santa, I kept looking for more gothic toys. I lay in the floor, a colorful carpeted floor at one time (although it might have been from the previous dream at the party where I did this) and just felt little and unhappy, alone. I wanted someone to take care of me, I needed to release my burden. It was no fun being young and playing if you had no one. Later while shopping and feeling more like an adult woman shopping me and my friend bumped into that girl again, in this timeline it was for the first time. She took and immediate shine to both of us. It was like instant connection, romantic, to both me and the black girl who was the other me or part of me or lover too. We just meandered around the shop, feeling shy and romantic trepidation, butterflies, cute. But eager to talk and be together and feel the awkward first blush. But it became this oddly frantic thing after a bit, too excited, too fast shipping. We began following her around, eager to try and see where this goes. It became too much for her, she began to seek to put more space between us and her. This made the black girl mad, or frantic, or something. She began to chase harder. The girl began to run more, thinking us weird. I tried to slow her down, the black girl, to be easy and give her space. I suggested the girl we liked buy a fish. We had come to a section of the store where they set up fish tanks on a table. She decided she would. She had fish at home. I was going to just join her in shopping, like "oh this one is...such and such", you know probably pick out a Gothic one, but she got super defensive and told me she'd pick out the one she wanted on her own. She didn't want a Gothic one. I put my hands up and stepped back. I told her she could buy the most colorful, tropical, fish there was. She chose a fish that barely could swim, normal looking, plain with some colorful stripes that just weren't that colorful. I almost objected, this fish was a sorry thing and likely to die, it was weak and pitiful and in bad condition, but I kept my mouth shut so she wouldn't get mad. She went to check out and I found some more tanks along the wall. They had better fish, some turtles which were very nice, and tiny sting rays the size of plecostomuses. I grabbed a plecostomus to show her, she had mentioned maybe needing one, but she was having an argument, or rather was cornered, by the black girl when I turned around. I dumped the fish in my hands back into a tank. It wouldn't hurt any fish it was in a bowl with I knew. I pulled my friend back and girl ran off. I tried to get her to relax, we can't rush these things, don't be so forceful about it I told her. But she didn't want to listen. I suggested a letter, let the girl know we liked her, let her choose. It was a good decision as the girl was leaving. The black girl agreed and we each wrote a letter, something to give to the girl on her way out the door. I said "let's each give her our number so she can call later after she's thought about it if she wants to." But I ahd a hard time finding paper. I flipped through my tiny notebook but I had just filled it. It was something I wrote in everyday, took notes about life in. I couldn't find paper. I found a bigger notebook but it also was full of writing. I decided to tear a bit off a full page, the back still had lines and some writing one it. I hoped she'd feel it was charming, my writing already there on the back. The sides of this stationary were also personalized, overlayd on a night sky were white lines they printed of something I wrote talking about all the topics of conversation I wanted to talk about. It was nice. I thought it was also a nice touch. I began to write. I said "Jess, it probably doesn't need to be said (seeing as you are about to walk out the door)..." and I didn't get to write anymore. I planned to write I like you. Something simple but she was leaving. The black girl had already written her note and stuck it in the door so she would see it when she walked out but I didn't think it was a good idea. I stopped writing to go to her and say so. We argued and I went back to my letter and she followed badgering. I then tried to finish my letter but the pen, not mine as this one was red, exploded all over my paper. The pen was ful of red ink, just full of it, it went all over everything. It looked like blood. Me and the black girl argued and I was mad but decided to try the letter anyway, the red ink was verisimilitude, I was determined to get this writeen before she was gone. But the black girl kept raging and arguing with me and the ink blood was everywhere. She literally scooped it off the table and splattered me with it in her arguing. I finally told her to shut the fuck up. I literally wrote it down as well, just because I was so distracted. STFU. It was written in red, harshly pened in thick lines. I sighed. I couldn't give her the letter now. I was so mad at the other me.