Love and Loss (Rant)

Date: 8/26/2016

Warning: I'm going to spill my guts here, so if you're not interested in hearing my life story you can click out now. It's long as hell, I won't blame you. I will talk about the dream towards the end, but I wanted to give background. Also, it's therapeutic to put my thoughts and feelings into writing. Recently, I've had a friend break-up. I have been through this before of course, but it never gets easier. My friend (S) claimed that we had drifted apart in her break-up text and that she will cherish our memories, and that she wishes me well. This was after a whole shit storm of emotions. Allow me to take you back all the way to the beginning, when the madness started to bubble at the surface. Last year, sometime in October, S and I had a huge fight. Now, it wasn't so much a blow for blow fight where we exchanged hurtful messages back and forth. It was more that I would passive aggressively mention things that bothered me. What bothered me mostly consisted of her ignoring me, or not texting back. This all took place in our group chat with E. Now, before you say that it's my fault for not explicitly saying what was vexing me, I will tell you that I had told her several times before. I always felt like she didn't care enough about me, because I always put more love and effort into the relationship. She may have a different point of view. It truly hurt my feelings, because it takes me a long time to open up to people and be my whole self. So you can imagine how my own insecurities may get the better of me. To be fair, I tried to tell her it bothered me, but she never listened. Anyways, I was being particularly snarky on this day in October. E and I were talking about how S never talks to us/ignores us, and basically making jokes at her expense. She obviously couldn't take the criticism (which, I can understand to a point) and stopped talking in chat altogether. However, she wasn't mad at E. No, she was just mad at me. She was not talking for days, and sometimes this happened so I left it alone. Then the frustration was bubbling inside me again, and I wrote a post on Facebook speaking out on bad friends and toxic relationships (dumb ass idea, but I wanted her to see how I felt once again). The next day I saw she removed me as a friend. That's when I knew our relationship was in turmoil. I didn't talk to her for a long time, but I was suffering. I missed her, more than I had liked to admit. Yet my heart broke, because all I had wanted was her understanding. I was trying to tell her what troubled me, to fix the cracks before everything fell down around us. I felt unappreciated for my friendship and love. I had no one else to talk to. Sure, I had plenty of friends, but none were on the same level of intimacy. Finally, I broke down to an old friend of mine, R. She shared my rage and sorrow about the matter. It made me feel a bit better to know that I wasn't completely in the wrong here. The night after Thanksgiving, although, I was incredibly sad. It was so late and my heart was tired of feeling lonely and hurt. So I texted her. It was a long ass text, you could call it a short story, pouring out my soul to her (if you haven't guessed this isn't out of character). I explained all my feelings, and I even said sorry. For a long time, I didn't feel as if I had anything to be sorry for because she hurt me and wasn't listening. She replied the next day accepting my apology, but did not say anything substantial to wash over all the times she had hurt me, and hadn't done anything about it. I let it go, because I know I'm a sensitive little shit (I accept and love myself it's fine). I was just overjoyed that we could speak again. Now we fast forward to the weeks leading up to our break-up. I had a very bad, emotional day where I really needed my best friend. You may have guessed it, she had not been replying in group chat or to my texts the previous day or that day. Again, I felt abandoned. I was always there for her, but I felt like she wasn't there for me. So I sent a text expressing how I really needed a best friend, but she was M.I.A. She texted back promptly, "What's wrong?" I didn't reply. This makes me look bad, but you have to realize that I was harboring all these negative emotions towards her that I kept pushing back down deep inside of me. Perhaps I was afraid to confess my feelings again because of what happened the last time. A few days later I apologized to her, and said I was having a bad day. After, we talked normally in our own goofy best friend fashion, but I noticed she was acting strange. She just wasn't like herself, and something about her was being held back. I asked her if she was okay, because she hadn't been on social media or in chat. She replied that she was fine, and thanked me for worrying about her. I asked our friend E if he knew what was wrong with S. He said that S told him she wanted space. I was not told this directly, which upset me, but I do respect wanting space so I let it go. I was going to visit my grandma for a whole week, so I thought that would be a good opportunity to respect her wishes. I was having a lot of fun with my family, and it took my mind off things. The feelings were creeping back up again throughout the trip. I always made excuses for her, because I was the one to be made to feel crazy. She didn't message me the whole trip, and so I shot a text to her on my way home. I told her I didn't understand. I gave her the space she needed, and that I didn't feel like she was interested in our relationship anymore. The following text from her confirmed my suspicions. The infamous friend break-up text. I had never heard of someone announcing that they were drifting apart from someone. That was new. I always thought it was more of a natural separation, but what do I know? It must be really easy to throw away almost three years of friendship. I was absolutely heartbroken, and erupted into sobs. I messaged E, but he already knew from S that our friendship was over. I felt my heart actually break. I had invested so much love and effort into this relationship, but for what? To be hurt, to lose my trust, to end up screwed over? I didn't reply to her. That night I received the message I had written all my raging and conflicted emotions into the Notes app on my phone. It's painful to look back it now. I'm still not ready to revisit. I have gone through so many different stages of what I want to say to her. Curse her out, tell her off, cry and say what I felt, be dismissive and apathetic like I don't care, or send a song depicting my feelings (yeah you heard me right, a god damn song). I think I went through all the stages of grief and then went for a second round. Right now, I'm doing better than I was last time. I think I realized that if I have to fight this much to keep us together, then it's not worth it. And she already has deemed it not worth it. I don't think I'll reply to her. I deleted her off all my social media, but I still have her number. I still have her pictures, and the things she gave me. I'm sure she has mine too. I'm focusing on being a better me, and putting more optimism out into the universe. I'll be okay, it just stings right now. *************************************************** The Dream I'll be short and sweet about it, since I rambled on about my sob story. The dream took place in some sort of college, I presume. It may have been E and I's college. I was walking around with E, and we opened this door to some sort of computer lab, and S was there. She was elated to see me, and immediately wanted to speak to me. I was confused and still angry, so I tried to storm out of there. She followed and started apologizing to me. I could tell how happy I was to hear her say that to me in the dream, but I maintained my composure. That's all I remember. I woke up with a sore heart, and felt all those feelings wash over me again. Not a really exciting dream, I'm sure. But I didn't expect to dream of her, and it brought up unwanted emotions. *************************************************** I know I'll be okay some day. I always make new friends, because I know I'm a good person. I have a lot of love in my heart, and I don't think I'll ever stop seeing the good in people. Right now I want to think she's the bad guy, but I know she's not bad. What she did to me was cruel, but that doesn't mean she is. Maybe one day I'll forgive her, but today isn't the day. I loved my best friend, and I know I still love her. I'm not a perfect individual either, and I will never claim to be. I've made mistakes, but I tried so hard to be there for her. At the drop of a hat, I was there. Whenever she needed me. This is probably for the best, I've realized. I wasn't ready to let go of the relationship even though the thorns pierced me, because we were so much alike. We had a lot of fun together, and could laugh about anything. It's hard to find that sort of connection. I'm terribly sorry for how long this is, and if you read it all you're a damn trooper. If you're going through, or have gone through, losing a friend, then let me know what you think. Thank you.