i broke into his house

Date: 12/22/2019

the idea of johnny has been bothering me in real life lately. i remembered june 30th 2020... something we planned so long ago. i imaged myself going. and what i would say. the topic has just been bothering me. in my dream at about 9am it was a cold winter kind of day. two boys i was friends with but don’t know irl drove me to a basketball court. it was run down and filled with vines but oddly peaceful. we ran around and went into the abounded school that housed the courts. i lost them at one point and walked away from the school and down the street. on a street that looked like kierans stood johnnys house, which wasn’t anything like his actual house. i knew there was something in the walls that would “prove our relationship” or something of sorts. i don’t know what it was it was just an item that i knew if he took care of then it had been real. i opened his front door. it was covered in snow even the entrance to the house. there was a door to open and a second door to really get in. it reminded me of anthony and evas house. it was oddly calm. i imagined his mom bursting in and catching me. i pushed the thought aside. with a covered hand i knocked the snow off the wall and revealed the little bunker type hole in the wall which held what i was looking for. he hadn’t taken care it seemed at first. i began getting too nervous to finish my search because i worried someone would see me and my mind raced thinking about all the trouble i could get in. i walked out in a huff. Johnny stood standing outside the house the left of me. he was just standing there. he was waiting for me to come out. he looked at me with a slight grin but almost sadness in his eyes. “jessi...” he said. i began trying to explain myself. i didn’t have much to say. i pulled it off pretty smoothly though. as well as someone could for breaking into someone’s house. johnny looked so different. he didn’t look boyish anymore. he doesn’t even look like what i’ve seen him look like recently. he had well grown in stumble and longer hair that parted in two flops in the middle. he seems less deviant, more mature than what i knew. it hurt me. we spoke. somehow my car was outside, i don’t remember who’s car we got in. i just remember he met my friends from the basketball park and i suddenly felt embarrassed. and i remember sitting in my car and being embarrassed by all the mess. i explained to him how i partied for my birthday and that’s why my car was a mess. i told him all that’s happened since. i told him about girls, about drugs and concerts. i told him all the differences from then and now, i was grown up now i’m 18. i still felt so lost. i felt i underwood part of him now because now i know what it was like to be the age he was. i felt so foolish i just felt like the 15 year old he manipulated. not much more. not someone who was real to him or worth of caring. i felt torn to pieces. he began to tell me things. i can’t remember what he said but they were real and seemed believable like it could’ve been true. he told me he had a new make best friend. when he spoke the name it was just giberrish but it made sense as a real person in the dream. the whole time we spoke it burned my heart wanting to ask about abby. i wanted to know. i wanted him to say he just needed someone after me and he hated the bitch and etc etc. i wanted him to say it’s always been me and he fucked up. but another part of me attempted to rise up from the pit of me and that voice said.. no.. you want him to be happy with her.. you wanna hear he’s sorry and it wasn’t supposed to happen, and you deserved better. you wanna hear that you’ll never be a thing again and be okay with it. i think in reality i am okay with it and i just want to closure of an apology but i’m not sure. on the other hand i almost just wanted to be young again and redo the good times. i felt really torn. i knew there’d be no future, there’d be bitterness, distrust, no family connection, the feeling of the lies he told always hurting my little heart. but now i feel like that with everyone anyone. so what do i need? for some reason in the dream he felt like the answer but waking up i’m not so sure. i feel very torn. i woke up in a rush to get to class and as i brushed my teeth i felt how intensely my heart was racing. made me sad.