Dream Journal Ultimate
Date: 1/22/2019
By fluffytree
I found myself back at my old house apparently still in the process of moving. I was with my family and my grandmother was with us too. I found myself feeling a bit panicked because I couldn't breathe so well and this just added to my anxiety which then made my Depersonalization disorder issues flare up as well. I felt so disconnected and dream-like as if I could vanish into nothingness in an instant. It's a pervading and frightening feeling that I frequently experience even in the real world. Anyway my family seemed to have to help me pack and so everything else in this dream and my grandmother just looked at me with such disappointment. Then she begins making little jabs here and there at me criticizing my inability to cope as an adult and how sorry of a man I am, things she has never ever said to me before, which made it catch me off guard and hurt me so bad. I just took it at first and brushed it off, but then suddenly I couldn't anymore and began bawling my eyes out in front of everyone. I felt embarrassed for not being able to control my emotions but usually in dreams my emotions are not only more intense, but I can't really control them like I can in reality either. I didn't care that I was being raw, I just couldn't take it anymore. I already had/have self-esteem issues so all of what she said just made me feel worse. My feelings of disconnect and dissociation began getting even worse and I went outside to the side of the house. It was cold out and there was leftover snow on the ground from a previous blizzard. I'm not sure where I was going but just wanted to get away. My grandmother followed me, maybe to apologize I dunno, but I figured now is a good time to just reveal the mental issues that I have instead of continuing to hide them because these struggles are the number one reason why I'm not more independent or social functioning the way a 35 year old should be. I was still crying and it was to the point where I was hysterically sobbing. All the anxiety, failures, feelings of frustration and everything else wrong in my life was coming to the surface in one fell swoop and I was just so tired. All this intense emotion must've been what caused me to wake up though. I found my face down against the pillow and my nose was stuffed up too so it's no wonder I couldn't breathe well in the dream. I did still feel pretty sad from it though. Upon drifting back to sleep I found myself driving down some unfamiliar street in a very upscale part of town that looked like it might be in Grosse Pointe somewhere, which is a very wealthy suburb outside of Detroit. I had a job to do which was to stop at every Catholic church and institution along this street to make deliveries. Deliveries of what I do not know or even who I was doing this for. I assumed it was for a group of nuns or something. I didn't question it too much though and just knew I had to get it done. Several police cars with sirens came up behind me so I quickly pulled over to the side so they could pass which they did. And then an ambulance went by too. I wondered where they were going and what had happened. When I pulled back onto the road I ended up passing by one of the churches I was supposed to stop at. Annoyed, I turned around and went back. Upon pulling into the driveway I went around to the back and got out to deliver a single yellow envelope but found no priest or worker there to receive it. Instead I saw @ericaleshai who I follow on Instagram standing there smiling and waving at me. She came over to talk to me and was being pretty flirtatious which I found surprising cos I wouldn't think she'd be into a guy like me, someone who tends to stay more in the shadows of society and lives a simple monotonous life in comparison. But here she was clearly interested in me. It felt good and I intended to ask her out soon. I wasn't gonna let this opportunity slip me by like it did with another girl irl at my job before. She then said she wanted to introduce me to someone and took me around to the front. There I saw a huge black man that had to be at least 8ft tall with a very wide muscular build. He wore a black basketball uniform so I assumed he played for some team. Erica confirmed this although I had no idea which one considering I have 0% interest in sports. I couldn't get over how I was standing looking up at a literal giant. It made me feel so small and weak in comparison. He was really nice though and we all talked about random pleasantries for awhile. Then Erica wanted all of us to spar together, me and her against him and I agreed. So for the rest of the dream we did some light sparring (it would have to be since one kick from him would've probably instant KOed us both lol) and had quite a bit of fun. The "camera" zoomed out and I could see the 3 of us from above in 3rd person. And I woke up right after this.