Dream Journal Ultimate
Date: 11/12/2017
By Bonny
I dreamt that I went to a McDonald’s in Warragul. There was a house behind it and I went there for some reason. It was raining really hard and I think I went there for shelter. I also vaguely remember going to the Safeway car park in Warragul - it was night time, cold, wet, and there weren’t man people around except for a few doing their shopping. I go into the house in McDonald’s and Jon is there. I think perhaps he was sitting around a table with some other people I knew. Sally from uni was there, and so were some of our old friends I think. I was really angry. I didn’t want to have to see him, let alone sit down with him. I can’t really remember how we got here, but I remember talking to Jon about us - he said all kinds of things along the line of “I don’t car anymore, I’m above that”, and “I have no feeling towards you or us anymore, I am completely indifferent about it”. He was smiling and looked pleased with himself. I remember I looked at him and said, “And look how proud you are”, in a disgusted way. I don’t think I asked or wanted to get back together. But I have a feeling that I tried to explain how much he’d hurt me through his treatment of me in the relationship (power play, manipulation, idealism of a relationship that wasn’t ours, criticism of me not living up to his expectations, the emotional unavailability and how he kept saying it was interdependence, his unsupportiveness of me, the ways I reached out for him and he told me I was too much, his insistence that I was the one who had to change the most, and that the failure of the relationship was because I was too dependent and not because of his own worldview and perceptions of relationships made him desperate to pull away from intimacy of a true form or that he had made me reliant through manipulating me). I think he just kept showing indifference and treating this indifference as if he had reached some ultimate spiritual goal of detachment and enlightenment. “I’ve let that go” so somehow he’s better than me and more progressive than me. That’s how he treated me the whole time we were together. That he got life more than me, and had to put a boundary between me and him because I just wasn’t including g all these things in my life that he thought a spiritually progressive person did. I remember feeling so angry in the dream at his indifference. I could see past the lies, and felt so mad at the injustice of having someone so smuggly believe they’ve ‘got it’. I screamed at him “I’m going to kill myself!” He just sat there, not caring - I could hear his brain ticking “I’m not going to give away to her manipulation” and he just looked at me. I ran from the house out into the rain. It took ages to get there. I could hear Sally behind me running to stop me. I got to the road with all the cars driving past and almost leapt out but felt scared and stopped. I crumbled on the ground crying in the rain. Sally caught up with me and began talking to me about I can’t remember what.