I am tired of people in the universe trying to control me

Date: 5/5/2021

I have a moment as I'm falling, or reliving falling. Someone is with me, an angel or a lover or both. This is now their story to tell, it's from their point of view. As I'm told I'm falling down a huge sky scraper tower with a long window of glass. The building is dark and I'm being fked as I fall, as I slide down the whole long building to the bottom, to what I feel is going to be my death, and I'm literally alone I think in my first experiencing of this, being sexually fked during, I am scared and it's not okay because I think I will die. The entire time I was falling they tell me in the retelling from their point of view is that they were with me the whole time. They fell with me, sat on top me/around me fking me, in control the whole time. They could have stopped it at any time. They were loving me as I fell, loving the experience. There was nothing for me to worry about they think with a laugh. They knew they'd stop my crash into the ground just before I hit. In this reliving of the fall I nearly do crash into the ground, and just seconds away I stop again hovering in the air above it like Nemo in the Matrix but ...not. It's not in my control. It's in theirs. I can hear/feel their loving amusement. ~ I'm at my grandparents's in their junkyard back yard where they just store every vehicle they ever owned. Someone - maybe several someone's with them - is shopping for a black jeep. It's not that old maybe a 2009 very nicely preserved and well taken care of unlike most of the rusting garbage. I see it and I want it. I feel an instant connection to it. It feels like me. But they selling it to this man. a friend/ family member of theirs who wants it. Actually they aren't selling it, they are just letting him have it. I don't have a car. I need one. Why can't they just give it to me? They had it sitting there this whole time... While they are doing that I watch as someone - one of the people in the yard just 'window shopping' - digs up the body of my best friend. Or someone's best friend. And steals it right in front of them, just yeets it out a garage door suddenly there, like a random door in a cemetery mausolem. They are in full view of the man doing this but they don't see it. I'm shocked that they don't see it. But they aren't listening to me... ~ I am visiting kids in the kindergarten I used to work in? Or something. I'm there back after a long time away, recuperating from some long sickness. They are being harassed by an angry bird, maybe a zombie bird. The bird shrieks and occasionally goes on a screaming, temper tantrum rage around the whole room. (Their classroom is in a quiet corner of a grocery store at a time when the store is closed.) It flies around, making threatening gestures with it's elaborate claws and sharp beak and angry shrieking. it's doing that because I'm 'not there.' its been doing that the whole time, since I left, because I'm 'not there.' The real sad thing about it is, the kids re used to it. They move their heads out the way of its claws. They put their hands protectively over their art supplies and paints and paintings. They shrug and adjust and think its normal. That's sad. They think its normal to be threatened and in danger. ~ I'm at an apartment building, maybe mine or the person I'm arguing with. I'm with a friend/family and we're having a gentle disagreement. But my zombie best friend is at the door, the door bangs open or maybe I pause in my cooking, dry my hands and open the door. There he is, in a wheel chair, wrapped up in mummy wrap, looking like he's half collapsed like a puppet, and he speaks out the corner of his mouth. Like a puppeteer throwing his voice, or someone controlling the puppet and not doing a very good job. He threatens me. Its clear in the menace of his voice. What once was a friendly inside joke that was always easy and taken with safety and comfort in the issuing of it, is now a terrifying thing. "You're not doing what you're told I hear.." He says. "Let me in..." It seems given that he will correct that once he's in. I say "no, you aren't like your self this isn't you." And i don't let him in. I'm very resolute about it. ~ During that falling scene - before it was retold to me and when I was really falling - I had a moment. I looked up into the sky and saw a bird flying around. It was a phoenix and I was aware I had inherited it. It was now mine, my companion, and it should theoretically listen to me. I asked it to get help, to get me help as I was falling and was going to hit the ground. It flew in a few high circles, up their in the stormy clouds, then disappeared into a rainbow puddle/portal that appeared in the middle of the sky. I assumed it went for help. I hoped it did.