marks return

Date: 3/1/2024

i haven’t been writing down my dreams lately. have had few good ones anyway but there was one decent one i missed and another i just don’t wanna write down. anyhow i was in an unfamiliar house with mark. it was the afternoon, and he was so calm as we spoke. he seemed comfortable in the house. he was calm and polite in a way i’d never seen from him, i was half expecting him to snap out of it. he laid in a bed made of a metal frame and listened to me after asking about my life. i sat on the edge. i can’t remember exactly what i said to him but i was telling him about kai. he listened kindly and then motioned for me to come closer. i slowly laid down next to him, making sure to stay more upright to do less damage in a way that could jeopardize my relationship. i knew i shouldn’t be there, with mark, talking to him, touching him especially but i did. he spoke softly and pulled me into him. he pressed his cheek against mine. his beard was so full and soft just like how it had been. that was a memory i didn’t know still existed in my mind. mark was radiating warmth and when his face touched my face i swear i could feel his body heat. it was like i could smell his old cologne without actually hitting the nail on the head. he just kept me there, smiling so softly but in a way that did not feel silly. i smiled slighlty with my mouth but had pain tinged in the way i scrunched my closed eyes. it felt like i could breath purely and fill my lungs. mark something about my relationship along the lines of i should be going to my boyfriend and doing what i need to do. i felt kind of confused that mark of all people would encourage that given how narcissistic he is in real life. it also felt very strange to hear mark call another man my boyfriend. i felt so melancholy and shameful to be there touching mark. part of me wanted to just fall completely into him and forget about everything else, to go back in time or so to a place where things were simpler. but i also felt completley wrong for that and knew i should leave. i was contemplating in my mental how kai would forgive me if he knew what i was doing. the guilt woke me up from dream. it felt so real, and my bed was so cozy that morning as the rain poured outside i wanted to crawl right back into the dream. i haven’t thought of mark in a long time and i would never say i miss him, but i was certainly longing to be exactly in that position. awaking i felt deeply alone, i felt like i could cry. i just wanted someone to hold me familiarly.