Fears and the gentle study of them.

Date: 2/9/2022

I was sleeping with a man, but the sex was frustrating. Tepid. He was timid and afraid to hurt me, so there also lacked passion. It wasn't good sex, being too empty. I wasn't able to get over my fears because he was so worried I'd get hurt there was very little behind it. I was frustrated because I wanted more, despite my fear. He didn't like the scars on my legs. These wavy things with a line running through them, like some ocean froth turned into a scar. They were from a mermaid, and I said she didn't mean to - defending her - it was part off the magic I explained. It wasn't as bad as it looked. He still didn't like them. He didn't like also that I often went into hell. He wouldn't go with me so he lay sleeping while I took my dog instead. My dog was sleeping on the bed. She kept having trouble breathing under all the blankets, would get stuck, and I'd have to fish her out. It seemed dangerous for her to sleep on the bed. What if I fell asleep and she died? I wouldn't know she couldn't get out. I sat on the floor, naked, and the ice wall opened up. Two men peered through, I knew them. Both Indian and familiar. The younger greeted me warmly, asked after my writing. The elder was a bit more condescending but also spoke to me warmly and wanted some information only I could give. They were archeologists, studying ancient ruins, in an icy place. I spoke quietly with the younger and he was nice to me. There was a woman washing dishes, as if the other side of the ice wall was a window into a different world, one with a commercial kitchen. Two Marge Simpson dolls sat on the back of the sink watching her work. They were fascinated by the real world and how people cooked and cleaned. I thought perhaps I'd leave them there to observe. I was with three females. Two were friends but one was new. The new one didn't know me, didn't like how I was insane. I was only half insane, it came and went. I was just coming out of it this time. I told her I hadn't talked to a lot of people in a while. That that's why I was off, don't mind me. When I spoke I spoke really well. The younger Indian man came into the cave, asked about my book writing. I told him it was going well but froze when he asked me the title of what I was working on. I was taking a break from the trilogy I'd been writing. But the current one's title wasn't really descriptive. Something about and Eclipse and a bunch of words after a forward slash. The older Indian man lost interest fast but he younger seemed supportive to the extreme, was soft and gentle with me. I spoke a bit like a child. I also forgot things easily too. We talked about how I write factually, but also I can write from emotions. That I can write completely from an emotional space. It was a lovely contradiction he said. It made me a good writer. I went back over to the girls. We got donuts and other fresh pastries. The new one was with the military and finally agreed to go with us. We'd be leaving our bodies. I'd done it many times, my other two friends had as well. But the new one was scared stiff. I ate bites of donuts, not eating a whole one because I didn't want to go alone ahead of them and not be able to find them spacially. The same location was important, miles could be between one room and the next. I sighed hating holding back. It was so easy for me to go. When I got to the others on the back of the cave, the new one talked on the phone with her mother, confessing her fears about the new mission. We watched as real people on the other side danced as if the cave were an exhibit, like a museum. A little girl twirled under her mothers hand as they walked through the exhibit, the ice caves. The new one was still scared, refused to pick a donut. Finally talked her through it. I told her to pick the first one she saw and wanted. The one which filled her with fear now but that she wanted the most. She picked a candied strawberry cake. It was small, and covered in a fine candy glaze, but remained soft inside. Sponge cake. It had bright colors, red, green. It wasn't that hard a candy glaze, but cracked and crushed and soft.