The Girl With The Tattooed Vagina

Date: 5/28/2017

I was at this tattoo studio that looked more like a grimy garage. I recognised the tattooist. It was a guy called Miles who I used to go to school with. He wasn't particularly friendly towards me, and even less so when I told him where I wanted my new tattoo - my vagina. He pulled down my jeans to reveal a bush of blue black pubic hair with a shaved bit 'splat bang' in the middle. After he looked at my vagina, he had seconds thoughts and told me I'd have to go elsewhere. I felt exposed and humiliated. Regardless of my embarrassment, I went to a different tattooist. There was an nice Asian guy this time - I kinda fancied him. Again, I pulled down my jeans and revealed my 'bush' 😳 He said it would look nice right there in the middle. Suddenly, a bright light shone down on me (a medical lamp) and this girl I recognised from school (Nicki Arnold) kept saying mean things, like I needed Botox as well as picking on other insecurities of mine. Suddenly, I began to feel really insecure and I asked for the crowd of people surrounding me to go away. Sophie from Geordie shore gave everyone a warning and she told me not to listen to them. She was nice. I liked her a lot. She sent me a card a week later asking if I was okay and apologising for how I was treated at the tattoo studio. She then told me about her kids and sent me pictures of them. One was of her child on the toilet and I remember thinking this is all a bit too much. Next scene; I was in a cafe with this pretty young girl who was talking about this relationship she was in with an older man. She didn't seem too sure about it. There was this carpet in the way of the lift and I had to pick it up to get it out of the way. We made our way over to the counter and she paid for me to have lunch. I felt terrible - like I was taking advantage of her. "It's only £4!" She said. I then realised that she had a baby on her shoulder and felt even worse for letting her pay for lunch. Next scene; I was driving down these winding roads, trying to find Centre Parcs. I saw an entrance to a stately home and these posh people told me I had already passed it. I then went online to see if I could send my family a message telling them I was safe and on my way. But I couldn't find them on this website, and instead I saw pages and pages of S+M related chat with what looked to be pervy old men. That's strange. I don't remember chatting to these guys? I thought. Next scene; I was in Thailand with my friend, Robee and Damien (from Mean Girls) Then, I remembered that I hadn't packed an iPhone charger - and neither had they. Or underwear or socks, for that matter (not that I would have needed socks in Thailand). We went to the only shop we could find and Robee picked out some socks for me. She tried to pay for them, but the man behind the counter - who was 'Eyeball Paul' from Kevin and Perry Go Large - was being a complete and utter dick. I tried again, but he took my money and put it through a shredder. I gasped in horror. "Why did you just do that?" I asked. But he ignored me and served his next customer. We then went for dinner with Stephen Fry. This really awkward trio began to play. They were doing some kind of flexible body gymnastics and managing to play small guitars at the same time. They were kooky-looking, I must say. strange, even. We clapped half-heartedly and smiled at them politely, praying they'd move onto the next table. We then discussed clammy hands on first dates and for a moment I thought he fancied me. But then he started getting off with Robee and it registered. "Aren't you supposed to be gay?" Next scene; my daughter Phoebe had invited about 10 of her friends around. I was feeling particularly stressed and I didn't want all these hormonal pre-teens in my house. "Where's Megan?" I asked. "She's on holiday in India for the Grand Prix!" She replied. "Oh, she'll hate India!" I said. "But I'm quite jealous, I'd love to go to India!" I continued. "in fact this makes me want to hate her even more!" I then did an evil laugh. That last part is true... I do hate my daughter's friend, Megan. She's a complete bitch. (Am I a horrible person?) 😂