Tv Shows, Awkward Farts and a Third Nipple

Date: 6/4/2017

I was on the TV Show "Through The Keyhole" - poking my nose around celebrities houses. I felt like I got a bit of a bum deal because I was given the key to Frankie Bridge's house (from S Club Juniors, if you didn't know!) It wasn't what I was expecting. It was rather modest, but quite modern. I was surprised to see that her husband slept in a different room (in a cabin bed) although the drawers had been smashed to pieces on the floor. I instantly knew that this was a violent relationship. When I asked her husband about how the bed ended up this way, he said he couldn't tell a soul... not even his mother knows about it!" I found this all a bit strange, but didn't question him any further on the matter. He walked out of the room and I found myself rummaging through his bedside locker; sunglasses, watches and pens. "How boring!" I thought. Her boyfriend reappeared again and I jumped back from the locker. "Bathroom or frankies room next?" I asked. "Frankies bedroom is definitely more interesting!" He replied. He was right - that 70's olive green bathroom piece was a sight for sore eyes. The shower was nice though... one of those walk in shower rooms. Very posh! Next scene; I was on the plane to Dubai to see my husband, with our kids. We had just lifted off the ground, when I had this horrible realisation that I had forgotten the passports. "Oh crap!" I thought. "I'll never get through customs. I'll to endure a 7 hour flight with 3 hyper children ... only to be ordered to go back home again!" I swallowed my panic, but then my mouth filled with this watery substance. So much so, my cheeks were like a hamsters. It was no good, I had to spit this out... but where? I spat some out in my hand, but it spilt onto the floor and then this woman stood over it with her bare feet. She didn't seem to notice, but I was squirming with embarrassment. Next scene; I was in some kind of warehouse with my mum and daughter. We were looking at fireplaces, but they all seemed way too big. "You won't want any of these!" My mum said. I then had a sudden urge to fart, and Phoebe and my mum began to complain about the smell... I moved onwards hoping they didn't realise it was me, and I could hear my mum blaming Phoebe. "Yes! I got away with it!" I thought, victory punching the air. Next scene; the car was being picked up for it MOT by my old driving instructor, Cliff (funny bugger he is!) I had to drop the kids off to Tiverton first, but he was a 'keen bean' and was already parked outside trying to take our car away! "Wait!" I called out. "We still have 10 minutes!" Reluctantly, he took the car off the pickup truck but, as he did so, all my shopping bags (which must have been in the boot) had gone flying out of the car and split. The remains of my shopping were floating in a large puddle that must have been my orange juice. "Dammit!" I grumbled. Later in the day, I needed to be out and got an arsey phone call from Mat saying that I won't be getting the car back today. "Why?" I asked. "He's had it all day!" He hung up on me. I heard a loud bang at the door, but when I went to look, no one was there. Some dodgy looking boys walked by and it looked like they were going to break in passed me. Then, the wind slammed the door closed and I realised I was locked out. "Oh fuck!" I was without phone, keys and I was in pajama's. Next scene; I was watching American Horror Show with Kylie's stepdad (for some reason?) I could tell that he was getting quite into it. We were on Coven and it was particularly gory - zombies and shit! An advert then came on and I recognised the boys from MIC, although a rather intoxicated Andy was with them, in what looked like a posh part of France. He turned to the camera and slurred some French, and everyone was so impressed, they gave him a round of applause. "bravo!" Jamie shouted. Next scene: I had third nipple growing on the back of my arm and when Mat tried to have sex with me, I kept moving his arm so he wouldn't be able to feel it. 😳