The One With the Botched Kidnapping

Date: 4/28/2024

I’m sitting in a hospital bed with a baby boy I’ve apparently just had. I look at Brody and say something about what we’re going to name him when he mentions that we’ll call him “Jordan.” I’m momentarily confused because we’ve always discussed naming our next son “Jack” (in real life) … A small, ethnically ambiguous man invites me and Renee into his basement to look at some sort of collection he has. We go down some stairs to find it well-lit and cluttered with random knick knacks. We comment politely on all of this and don’t seem to notice that the man has turned white with shaggy, dirty blond hair. I see a weird Winnie the Pooh display on one wall and suddenly start to feel uncomfortable. I realize that the man may be trying to kidnap us, so — still speaking casually — I grab Renee’s wrist tightly to signal to her that we need to get out of here. I continue to talk and joke around as we take the steps two at a time to get out. Eventually, we end up in a bedroom somewhere with the man and my mom. I tell her what I think he was trying to do as she questions us and then narrow my eyes, turn to him, and say, as menacingly as possible, “Have you ever been maced?” He smiles back, unbothered. He suddenly pulls out a weird pink instrument that looks sort of like a curling iron and begins to shave my arm hair — which is long, thick, and blond. I see that it says “Conair” on the side and realize that it’s a rare device. I’m very intrigued by this, but try to avoid touching the man.