i get put on a death sentence because i touched keys that were outside

Date: 6/22/2019

i saw some shiny silver keys sitting on this ledge outside with no one around them and i had such a huge urge to touch them, so i did. once i did, i realized that touching them was a bad idea. a cop came over to me and sat me down. he asked me why i touched the keys. i told him a true story about how i found these old keys at my summer camp back in 2010ish. i don’t know how that correlates really, but it made sense in the moment. he said that since it was my first time getting caught, i would only be getting a warning for touching the keys. he told me that touching keys is a crime because it can be used as “evidence”, which really meant someone could use the keys in a crime and if i get my fingerprints on them, i could get framed. a guy i know saw me and gave me a look and i knew he wanted me to follow him. i smiled at the cop and waved goodbye and followed him. he whispered to me and basically said that i was crazy for not knowing that nobody is allowed to touch any keys. he told me that the warning that the cop gave me was just temporary and that the cops were gonna be coming back for me to kill me in a few days. he then told me that we needed to get married immediately because if i had a husband, it meant that he would know my soul and would know if i did something bad intentionally or not. when the cops would come back for me, they would be less likely to hurt me if he was there telling them that i didn’t do it. he dragged me into this corner of an alley and it was where we lived. he told me that we had to act natural and act like we were in love, so he let me sleep on him. when we woke up, we started cleaning everything. i don’t know why. he was about to start yelling at me for something that i can’t remember, but then he stopped. i couldn’t figure him out. i stood close to him and tried to figure out what was going on with him. something that we both knew and that nobody else knew was that he was gay and i felt like he was stressed about having to act straight. i felt so bad and hugged him. well, next thing i knew, i could read his mind and he was thinking “i really wanna pin you against a wall and fuck you right now” and i was like “woah that wasn’t very gay of you”