Repressed childhood memories

Date: 7/30/2020

TW RAPE I dreamt that I was practicing French with mum when dad asked if I wanted any coffee. I said I didn’t like coffee and then he made a comment about how of course I didn’t like it. This really angered me because I felt like he was referencing something I just couldn’t remember but I knew was bad. I started yelling at him to tell me and then mum and dad decided to play a tape for me. The tape was basically of me when I was like 10 or 11 and I was walking along a pier. These three guys were harassing me and I couldn’t shake them off. Another woman ran away from them except I didn’t. The tape basically ends there but I knew what happened at the end was that I got gang raped as a kid by these guys. The tape was a recreation that the police helped us make so that they could try and catch them, though they never did. This freaked me out because I’d forgotten it completely like my brain had blocked out the memory entirely because of trauma. I started crying because I was angry that I had forgotten and I still felt like my mind was so foggy and I was missing things I could barely remember what had happened. I went to Maya and asked what had happened. I realised that most of my childhood was really foggy so she started telling me some things that I used to do. I used to call Maya by a nickname and I used to call gran grandad and a whole bunch of other stuff. She was happy I was remembering but I was super overwhelmed by everything. It was like my memories weren’t mine anymore and I couldn’t remember most of what she was saying just pangs of familiarity here and there.